Chapter Text
Uchi Emiri used to be a normal girl.
She liked normal things. She had normal friends. She had a normal face. She lived a normal, everyday school life, studying to get into a normal university, and having fun in a normal way.
And then she met Kuroki Tomoko, and Emiri realized that she wasn’t normal at all.
It took quite some time to come to that conclusion. At first, she thought it was all Kuroki’s fault. She was the most abnormal person Emiri had ever met. A creepy, gross, disgusting, perverted little weirdo. Someone Emiri should have found violently off putting, and avoided at all costs.
But Emiri didn’t want to avoid Kuroki. She wanted to be her friend. She wanted to be close to her. Whenever she wasn’t near Kuroki, she thought about ways she could be.
Kuroki occupied her thoughts, her heart, and all of her spare time.
And this wasn’t normal.
Because despite being a creepy, gross, disgusting, perverted little weirdo, Kuroki had a normal life, normal friends, was studying to get into a normal university, and spent her days having fun in a normal way.
And, as far as Emiri had been able to ascertain, Kuroki didn’t spend much time thinking about Emiri at all.
So maybe that made Emiri the abnormal one.
But maybe that was okay! Emiri would accept that she was weird too, if it meant that she could spend time with the weirdo who made her heart race and butterflies twist her stomach into knots.
That was all she needed.
Because there weren’t any other possibilities worth considering.
Because even if she was abnormal, she wasn’t that abnormal.
Because Uchi Emiri used to be a normal girl.
On a day like any other, Emiri made her rounds. She had a system for it now. On odd numbered days, she would eat lunch with her friends. But on even numbered days, she would sprint to class 3-5, in the hopes that she might catch Kuroki alone, and ask her to have lunch with her. This never happened, of course. Kuroki was always surrounded by people. But Emiri would fall in with the crowd, and quietly sit next to Kuroki at lunch, and enjoy watching Kuroki smile and laugh and talk with her friends and make disgusting, perverted jokes.
Instead of finding a crowd of friends ready to head to the cafeteria, however, Emiri only found a gaggle of sour faces, and Kuroki nowhere in sight. Was this a chance, maybe? Everyone else seemed to still be here. All of Kuroki’s friends. Which meant that, unless Kuroki had found some other girl to spend time with, she might be alone right now.
Such a miracle couldn’t be overlooked. Emiri went into overdrive, searching the whole campus for every spot she knew Kuroki might be hiding.
To no avail. By the time lunch period was over, Emiri was exhausted, out of breath, and still hungry. When school was over, she checked in on class 3-5 again, and still no sign of Kuroki. This time she asked Tamara if Kuroki was out sick. Tamara looked annoyed, and said that Kuroki was around somewhere, but didn’t provide any other details.
Well, it didn’t matter much. Some days were just like that. Emiri would try again later.
The next day was an odd day, of course, so Emiri spent it with her friends. But even from her table at the cafeteria, she could see that Kuroki was still missing.
And finally, an even day again. Kuroki, still missing from her classroom. Emiri asked Nemoto about her this time. Nemoto said that Kuroki was being a huge asshole, and she didn’t care where she was right now.
Emiri resisted the urge to scream at her. But she had more important things to do. Like finding Kuroki.
This time, rather than simply sprinting around blindly, she started asking around, if anyone had seen her anywhere.
She finally found Kuroki sitting on a ledge, in a small alleyway in between school buildings, eating lunch alone.
Perfect! Emiri sat next to her, letting out a sigh of relief, and smiling.
“Oh! Uh. h-hey Uchi,” Kuroki said, not looking up from her bento box.
“Do you want to eat lunch together?” Emiri asked, pulling out her own bento and shoving some rice into her mouth, which meant that they were already eating lunch together whether or not Kuroki said yes.
Kuroki snorted. “If you want, sure. Kind of surprised you want to, though. Not like anyone else wants to eat lunch with me right now.”
That just meant all the more Kuroki for Emiri! Truly a fortunate day. Wait. Hold on. Emiri blinked, and forced herself to look more closely at Kuroki. To look at her disgusting, stringy, hair, the creepy bags under her eyes, the gross way her lips were chapped, that Emiri just wanted to—
No. She needed to focus. There was something else here. Kuroki’s shoulders were slumped, her eyes downcast, her whole demeanor dejected. That wasn’t entirely unusual, but coupled with the defeated tone in her voice, and the way her friends had been acting…
“Did something happen?”
Kuroki looked up at her, lips pursed. “Oh right. I guess you wouldn’t know. We were all joking around the other day, and I dunno. I made some joke that I guess went too far, and even Asuka got pissed off at me for it. And she’s normally okay with anything. And now everyone is saying I need to apologize to her.”
“Oh.” Emiri didn’t like Katou. Sure, she was nice, and pretty, and kind, and always seemed to care about others. But she was especially nice to Kuroki. And the way Kuroki looked up at Katou, with a faint blush on her cheeks, and eyes like she was beholding the entire universe within them made Emiri sick to her stomach. “Why don’t you apologize?”
“It’s… stupid.” Kuroki looked away, her dark hair failing over her eyes. “I don’t think I can make it make sense, without context.
For the millionth time, Emiri cursed whatever god of fortune had left her out of class 3-5. Why did she always have to be on the outside of whatever was happening? Why did she have to hear about everything after the fact, second hand? “Can you try anyway? I’ll listen.”
Kuroki grew silent for a long time, twiddling her thumbs together. When she spoke, there was a note of bitterness to her voice. “We were just joking around. It was stupid. I don’t even remember how it started. Something like ‘what do you think the other person’s life will be like in fifteen years.’ And it was all normal stuff, whatever. And then when it came to Asuka I said… I said she’d probably be a bimbo tradwife, with her boobs done and botox in her face. some loser salaryman for a husband who doesn’t come home until late at night leaving her to raise three kids all by herself.”
“I see.” Something about that didn’t match with her impression of Katou, but it wasn’t like she knew the girl very well.
“And it’s like…” Kuroki spun her hand in the air, searching for the right words. “It didn’t feel like it's worse than anything I’ve said before, you know? But Asuka got real quiet, and she was all like ‘is that really what you think of me?’ and I guess I misread it because I kept adding more and more worse details and then she got up and left the classroom and everyone called me an asshole and I guess everyone hates me now and I’m going to be a loner again.”
“I won’t let you be a loner again,” Emiri said automatically.
Kuroki cracked a smile at her, which made Emiri’s heart soar. “Okay, yeah, sure. I’ve still got some people left. Maybe I won’t go back to being a loner. But… it still sucks.”
Something was still missing here. “So… why don’t you apologize?”
“That’s… the hard part.” Kuroki bit her bottom lip, her face scrunched up grossly. “I kind of… don’t think I should have to?”
“That’s creep—” Emiri cut herself off, looking away. “I don’t understand. You got carried away with one of your disgusting jokes. You do that all the time. Apologize and make up.”
Kuroki clenched her fists together, shaking. “That’s the thing. I said it as a joke but like… it’s the truth, isn’t it? That’s where Asuka’s going to end up. I’d bet every video game I own on it.”
Emiri tried to picture how she would feel, if Kuroki had made the same prediction about her. Life as a married woman, a husband who wasn’t there, three kids to look after all alone. The thought was viscerally disgusting, and not in the good way that Kuroki usually made her feel.
“It’s true,” Kuroki continued, oblivious, her voice cracking. “I know it’s true, and that… It pisses me off. So much. Because it’s going to happen, no matter what I do, that’s the life Asuka’s going to end up in. And she deserves so, so much better but… I mean I can’t…”
Kuroki looked up at Emiri, tears in her eyes. “I’m sorry, I’m probably not making much sense. I don’t really get it myself, I just…”
There was something here. Something Emiri could press on. She could see it. If she wanted, she could tell Kuroki that she was right. That she shouldn’t apologize. Lead her to strain her relationships with her friends. Be there for her, when nobody else would be. Understand her pain. Grow closer. Be her everything.
A terrible, selfish path.
Instead, as Emiri looked deep into Kuroki’s eyes and saw the unspoken pain there, she opened her mouth and spoke the worst words she could possibly imagine. “Do you… like Katou-san?”
Kuroki immediately recoiled, her eyes wide. “What? No, don’t be ridiculous. Asuka’s just a friend. A really important friend. And like, yeah, she’s an absolute babe, and if I were a guy I’d ask her out in a heartbeat. But I’m not a lesbo or anything. And it’s not like it’d matter either way, there’s no way she’d be interested in a loser like me.”
Emiri’s mouth was dry, her heart pounding in her chest, agony tearing her up from the inside. “Are you sure?”
“Am I sure what?”
“That you’re not… a lesbian.”
Kuroki rolled her eyes. “You’re just trying to call me creepy again, right? Look, I know I’m always joking around with girls and stuff but it's just like, a bit. A meme, you know? I read too many ero games and have a vulgar sense of humor. It’s not… real. ”
Emiri could see into Kuroki’s heart, and knew that just like Emiri, Kuroki wasn’t normal. And that was okay. She leaned forward, ready to do the most creepy and pathetic thing she could possibly imagine. “Have you ever kissed a girl before?”
“W-what?!” Kuroki’s face went bright red, and she inched away from Emiri. “N-no, of course not, like I said, I’m not—”
“If you want, you could… try it out.” Emiri’s heart crumbled with every word, forced out of her like stepping on broken glass. She’d steal just this one thing, for herself. “Close your eyes, and imagine you’re kissing Katou-san.”
“N-no way.” Kuroki’s eyes darted back and forth, a wild animal cornered. “This is some kind of joke, right? You’re just going to call me disgusting. P-probably got your friends hiding around a corner with a phone, ready to…”
Emiri winced. She wished Kuroki would understand that she wasn’t that kind of person. “It’s just me here. And I won’t call you disgusting. Or tell anyone. I promise.”
“Okay. I, um.” Kuroki swallowed, and licked her lips. “I-if that’s the case, I’m really gonna do it, okay? There’s no backing out. You’d better not freak out on me!”
Every part of Emiri’s body burned with tension, with anticipation. She leaned forward, close enough to Kuroki she could feel her breath on her face, smell her shampoo, the smell of her sweat, her fabric softener. She pursed her lips, ready.
Kuroki closed her eyes, trembling violently. Under her breath she whispered, “Asuka, Asuka, okay. Kissing Asuka. Asuka, I—” And then their lips were together.
Kuroki’s lips were dry, and chapped, and tasted a little bit like rice. She kept poking her tongue out briefly, as if unsure what she was supposed to do with it. Honestly, it was a little disgusting.
It was the best moment of Emiri’s life.
It was the worst moment of Emiri’s life.
And then, even though it was a moment Emiri wished would last forever, it ended, and they pulled away from each other.
Kuroki sat there, eyes wide, face like a tomato, a stupid, creepy little smile on her face. “Holy fuck,” she mumbled. “I think I might be a lesbian.”
Emiri reached up and touched her lips, almost in disbelief. She’d done it. Her first kiss, and it had been with the girl that she loved. Kuroki Tomoko. It was everything she’d wanted, dreamed about, yearned for for months.
It wasn’t enough.
“Oh fuck, I’m a lesbian!” Kuroki tugged at her hair violently, panic filling her eyes. “Shit, shit, shit! That’s why I’m being such an asshole about this! I’m just being jealous! I know Asuka’s going to live that life and I’m pissed because I’d rather she do something like that with me! Shit! Fuck! Goddamnit!”
Nails on a chalkboard, down Emiri’s spine. She wasn’t going to cry. Not in front of Kuroki.
Kuroki grabbed Emiri’s hands, squeezing so tight it was painful. “What do I do? What do I do!? I’m already a creepy loner weirdo. I guess people think it’s fine because it's funny but… if it’s real? If I’m actually like that? She’s gonna hate me, she’s gonna be disgusted, she’ll know I’m not normal, and—”
Emiri reached up, grabbing Kuroki’s cheeks with her own. “It’s okay.”
“Huh?”
She took a deep, shuddering breath. “It’s okay if you’re… not normal .” Emiri stared directly into Kuroki’s eyes, wishing she would truly understand, wishing that she was actually looking back. “I’m… not normal , too.”
Kuroki blinked several times, confused, but nodded in Emiri’s grip. “Okay. Uh, sure. Wow. You too, huh? Do your friends know?”
Emiri bit her lip. It wasn’t like she had ever discussed it explicitly with them but… she was pretty sure they knew. She nodded.
“That’s… Kuroki bit her lip, clearly thinking. She was silent for a long time, and Emiri pulled her hands back.
“So, uh. What should I do?”
Another choice, in front of Emiri. She could tell Kuroki her feelings. Tell her that she was the only one who would understand, accept her for who she was. It might even work.
Instead, she put on her best smile. “I think you should be honest about your feelings. Katou-san is a sweet girl. Even if she doesn’t feel the same way, she won’t hate you for it. I’m sure of it.”
“What if I ruined everything with my stupid joke?”
“I told you already. You should apologize.”
“Yeah, I really should. Fuck.” Kuroki pulled out her phone, checking the time. “I might still be able to catch her before lunch is up.” She started typing, firing off a text to Katou, asking if they could meet up.
Kuroki slid her phone back into her pocket, then stood up, grinning at Emiri. “Thanks, Uchi. You’re a good friend.”
Emiri smiled back, because what else could she do?
And then Kuroki ran off, and vanished around the corner, off to go find a girl far nicer, far prettier, far kinder, and far more normal than Emiri.
And only then did Emiri allow herself to cry.
The next day, a twisted, disgusting hope still lived inside Emiri’s heart. That Katou wouldn’t return Kuroki’s feelings. That Kuroki would be heartbroken. That she would find her way back to Emiri, and Emiri could comfort her. Show her that she didn’t have to be alone.
It was an odd day, so she would eat lunch together with her friends. Even if she wanted nothing more than to go check on Kuroki. Even if she was terrified of doing that, of opening the box and finding out whether the cat was alive or dead.
Her friends probably knew something was up with her. But they all sat together at the cafeteria regardless.
When she saw Kuroki and her friends enter the cafeteria, Emiri was locked in. Kuroki was walking next to Katou. Was there anything different? They were all smiling, laughing, and joking as normal.
Kuroki sat down next to Katou. But that was pretty normal too, wasn’t it? Nothing out of the ordinary, yet.
But then Emiri saw it. Underneath the table, hands met, fingers interlaced. Kuroki looked up at Katou, with eyes like she was beholding the entire universe.
Emiri stood up, her tray clattering with the force of it. Her friends stared up at her, confused.
All she could do was look at Kuroki.
She looked over, met Emiri’s gaze, then gave her a sheepish grin, and a thumbs up. As if to say, ‘I did it!’
It was too much. She couldn’t be normal about this. She couldn’t fight her tears.
So Emiri ran away, as fast as she could.
Emiri sat in the same little alley, on the same little ledge, where she’d kissed Kuroki the day before.
She had that, at least, didn’t she? A kiss stolen under a false pretense. In a creepy, gross, pathetic way. It was fitting for Kuroki, wasn’t it? And Emiri knew she wasn’t any better, deep down inside. Maybe that was what had drawn her to Kuroki in the first place.
What was she supposed to do now? Move on? There had been a fire in her, now snuffed out, scuffed ash on the pavement. Before that fire, she hadn’t known she was cold. But now without it, it was all that she could feel.
A shadow passed over Emiri. For a brief moment, she entertained the idea that Kuroki had come looking for her. She looked up, and found Katou there instead.
Emiri wanted to be normal about this. To act normal. But when she opened her mouth, she instead spat, “Are you here to gloat?”
Katou blinked in surprise, but then her eyes softened, and she sat down next to Emiri. “Nothing of the sort. I just wanted to talk.”
All the serenity and self sacrifice Emiri has conjured for herself with helping Kuroki yesterday now seemed far out of reach. She looked away, teeth clenched.
“Tomo-chan told me what you did for her yesterday.”
So now her own creepiness was public knowledge. “Did she, now,” Emiri said flatly.
Katou let out a soft sigh. “I wanted to thank you, for knocking some sense into her. Tomo-chan can be a bit of an idiot, sometimes. And… I wanted to apologize. That must have been very hard for you, and it must have hurt very badly.”
Tears brimmed in Emiri’s eyes, and she buried her face in her knees. Hadn’t she cried enough already?
“I’ve seen the way you care for Tomo-chan. How you seem content to always be by her side, supporting her from the shadows. It’s admirable. In any other situation, I’d be right there, cheering you on!”
Why was she telling Emiri this? It didn’t make any sense.
“But the truth is, I’m a selfish person. I also care deeply for Tomo-chan. So much that I want her all to myself. And I’m very, very glad she was able to finally be honest with me yesterday, so I could be honest with her in return. And I have you to thank for that, because I don’t know if I could have made that step myself.”
“So you are here to gloat,” Emiri spat. She looked up, anger burning in her eyes.
Katou laughed, the sound of it airy and light. “Maybe a little. I’m sorry. But I do have a point here. Uchi-san?”
“What?”
With grace and temerity, Katou reached out, taking Uchi’s hands in her own. “Even though she might be a bit oblivious and not notice, I think Tomo-chan cares about and appreciates the kindness and attention you’ve shown her. You’re an important friend to her, and I hope you’ll continue being one.”
“I…” Emiri’s mouth was dry. “Of course I will.”
“And…” Katou glanced to the side, and leaned in close, lowering her voice. “The truth is… it’s a hard world out there, for… girls like you, me, and Tomo-chan. Girls who aren’t… normal . It's important, I think, for girls like us, to stick together and support each other. Even if relationships don’t work out the way we hope.”
So Katou wasn’t normal either. Emiri opened her mouth, and the first word on her brain slipped out of her mouth. “Gross!”
Katou gasped softly, her eyes going wide. “Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever been called gross before.”
Emiri winced, and looked away. “Sorry, I didn’t mean—”
“No no, it’s quite alright. But I suppose if I’m gross, then you must be too, hmm? And Tomo-chan as well, of course. Maybe it’s okay if we’re all gross together?”
What an absolutely insane thing to say. Emiri stared at her, dumbfounded.
Katou burst out laughing, the tension in the air evaporating at her sheer and pure joy.
Emiri couldn’t help it. She started laughing too.
And then her laughter turned to tears, and she was crying again, and Katou’s arms were around her, holding her close.
Maybe this kind of normal was okay, too.
