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Success had never felt so grating. Ultimately, winning the Lieutenant Commander’s favor was the whole point of Talia’s Babylon 5 residency. Getting close and earning trust was all part of the plan. But somewhere along the line Talia, the fragile little thing she was, had developed actual feelings for the target.
And that meant Control had to feel them too. They muddied Control’s own thoughts like river after a storm, choking her on kicked up silt. It made it hard to concentrate, to stay on task and pull strings when coursing waters made her fingers slip. But, she supposed as her hands raked through murky sediment, it was a necessary inconvenience if it meant earning her freedom in the end.
Freedom was something Ivanova radiated and, frankly, Control's envy was debilitating. Ivanova was independent rather than loyal to a self-serving organization. Even to her superiors she was outspoken. She wasn’t bound to anyone else, certainly not in the way Control was, but also in the way of cutting ties before anyone else could string them together. It was an obstacle in the beginning, of course, but Control had finally managed to draw her in. And, on some level apart from the mission, Control found herself relieved. Susan’s vocal hatred for the Psi Corps had become a welcome contrast to Talia’s relentless devotion.
Just as “Talia” had worn down Susan’s walls, Susan had managed to erode Talia’s loyalty to the Corps. It was a break from unwillingly attending Talia’s sermons about Corps purity, but… Control could do without the constant daydreams about Susan. They’d sweep Control along in their hidden currents far too far from the shore. It was only ever at the last moment, that final gasp for air before waterlogged lungs, that Control caught herself feeling cheated. Anything Susan saw in Talia was actually her own craftsmanship, but it wasn't like she could take the credit for it. She couldn't feel the sensation of Talia's fingers, even gloved, tight around Susan's hand. She couldn't feel Susan's lips against Talia's cheek because Talia was always at the helm when they were together. She couldn't reap any of the immediate rewards of her efforts, but it was weak to even consider them when freedom was the ultimate goal.
If only Susan knew. It was a thought that punched her right in the gut, or would’ve if she’d had one. If Susan knew, it would change nothing except the body’s living status. Control did not exist to love or be loved. She existed to do a job, earn her freedom, and never see Babylon 5 again. She did not exist to blow her cover and be shot where she stood by the woman she…
By the woman Talia cared for.
Maybe if Susan hadn’t become so attached to Talia, to who she thought Talia was, the pending betrayal wouldn't hit her hard enough to compromise any lasting connection. But for Control to be free, to be independent like the very woman she envied, this attachment needed to sever. After all, she was doing all this to avoid becoming dependent on another human being ever again.
Unfortunately, when Talia drifted off to sleep beside Susan Ivanova, and Susan pressed a soft kiss against her cheek, Control was the one who felt it. She also felt something blossom within her chest, a warmth mingling with Talia’s attraction in an unnatural synchronicity.
If only she could experience such a thing without drowning in the riptide she’d forgotten how to fight.