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She's fine with it.
She truly is. Being the first officer of a ship is a serious and extremely important job; you have to be able to make uncompromised command decisions, and getting too close to anyone who serves with you could compromise your thinking if you ever have to make that decision.
She's lost crew members before. It happens in space sometimes, with hostile aliens swirling around the skies and dangerous phenomena scattered amongst the stars. They prepare you at the academy for this, regardless of what path you take. You're going to see somebody die at some point, and no, it doesn't get easier.
She's never questioned her desire to serve in the Union before. The desire has always remained, static and pulsing and bright, even throughout the Kaylon war, even throughout the issues with the Moclans. And it still remains, an ember flicker within her, a fire that once decimated now reaching out desperately in an attempt to spread its own flames. She wants to serve in the Union. She just.
Everyone is special, but Charly was special . She'd begged Charly to get herself out, to even make an effort to get herself out, but Charly made her decision and Charly - well, she wanted to die, and Kelly can't do much for someone who only craves an ending.
She's not religious, but she does wonder, sometimes, what happens. Where you go, after. Where do destroyed Kaylon go? Where do the Krill think they end up, after death? Earth history has its own endless spiral of afterlifes, as did the proto-Xelayans. The Belkarian remain spiritual, but their practices are too alien for Kelly's taste, and most are not forthcoming about sharing their traditions and rituals with outsiders. Everyone has their own idea of what happens, and Kelly doesn't think there's anything beyond death - she's too science-focused, too literal - but the idea is appealing when your friends die.
"Are you okay?" Topa asks, her soft, small hands resting over Kelly's forearm. "The marker is bleeding through the page. You are holding it down too hard."
Kelly looks down. Oh.
She'd set the simulator up for an art room - decorated and tinseled with as many art and craft supplies as one young Moclan mind can imagine. Most of it is from Earth - Moclans aren't very artistic - but Topa needed to destress after the torture and the war and, honestly, Kelly did too. Claire suggested coloring books when her medications made Kelly too drowsy, and Topa - oh, Topa . Topa lit up, showed Kelly all of the drawings she had done in her room during the time Klyden was away, beamed as she handed Kelly glitter glue and markers.
She can't get close to her crew, but she can get close to Topa. Topa, who adores her. Topa, who Claire says is now the human equivalent of sixteen and getting older every day. Topa, who is still so brave and strong despite all of the adversity and hatred she has faced. Topa, who keeps a smile on and explains the characters she drew to Kelly with an innocent purity that Kelly wants to preserve in amber.
"Hm? Oh, yeah." She nods. "Computer, generate new stack of coloring books." With a forced smile, she picks up one of the recently-manifested books. "Ooh, looks like this one has cats."
"Cats?"
"Earth creatures, small and cute. Cuddly for the most part, but they like to do their own thing. I had one as a kid, she was my best friend. I used to tell her all about my dreams of exploring the stars, and she'd put her paws on my face, like she was comforting me."
She holds the cover of the coloring book up for Topa to see. Two long-haired orange cats cuddle on it, with various stripes and patterns drawn around them.
"I would like to meet a cat," Topa says.
"We can do that. Computer--"
"Thank you, Commander Grayson, but... I want to meet a real one."
Kelly nods. "I understand. Well, Gordon did say he wanted a cat for the bridge. I'll talk to Ed about it."
"Really?"
Anything for you, Kelly thinks, and then: oh, she really shouldn't be thinking that. But how could anyone deny Topa anything, after what she's been through?
“With the casualties of the Kaylon war behind us and the threat of the Krill-Moclan alliance ahead of us, it’s more important than ever to prepare Union graduates appropriately. So that it doesn’t keep happening. Ed, I can’t pass this up. You know I can’t.”
That’s what she tells him, anyway. The truth is that the offer has been on the table for ages. The truth is that Kelly is tired of watching her friends get tortured and die. The truth is that Kelly is tired - just tired, exhausted. Wholly drained. She joined the Union because she wanted to see the stars and the wonders that dwelled within —- she’s seen them. She really has seen so much during her time serving. Two-dimensional universes! Different periods of time! Living plants! Living friends!
The truth is that Bortus had asked her. Well—-not really. He had vented and she had offered. She’d made the decision to take the teaching job long before he showed up at her quarters, but if he tells her Topa is leaving for Union Point next month. I worry that she will struggle without something familiar nearby. I am considering leaving to accompany her to Earth, and Kelly replies I'll go with her, it sounds better, and less like she was preparing to abandon her friends.
She thinks back to how Alara's parents had discouraged her from joining the Union because they hated the military, and how that damaged her. If Topa joins the Union and serves on a Union vessel, she will -- she will be in even more danger. Topa could be the next Charly Burke, her ship the next U.S.S. Quimby. It's too dangerous for her, the Moclans would target any ship she serves on which would put everyone else in danger, and she's already been through so much. But Kelly has seen the effects of deterring people from following their dreams - she just has to be sure. If this is what Topa truly wants, she'll make it happen. She will.
"Hey," Kelly says, knocking on the half-open door to Topa's room. "Can I come in?"
She hasn't been in Topa's room since Topa was significantly younger. She's growing older with each day that passes, growing more beautiful with each day that passes, her smile growing bigger as her body grows bigger. The next Union Point semester starts in two months, and Topa will be a Moclan adult by then. Where does the time go? She held Topa as an infant, and now she is accompanying Topa to college, and it's like they're travelling through time again, it's as if time is being swirled around a fork like spaghetti just to be shoved down Kelly's throat, choking her gone.
Topa nods, gestures for her to enter, and Kelly weakens, feels her head lighten and her hands shake against the wall. Topa weakens her these days, her one heel weakness. She'd do anything for this girl.
She doesn't know what to expect from Topa's room, but she doesn't expect it to be so blank and barren. Teenage girls should have rooms that reflect their souls, and she knows for a fact that Topa's soul shines multicolor and iridescent, shimmering life lessons over biological and artifical beings alike. It should be lively in here, but the walls are bare and her bed has the Union standard bedding and the only furniture inside is a bookshelf with its contents decorated in Heveena's pen name. The only sign of life left here.
"You did a good job cleaning your room," Kelly says.
"Papa says it is better if there are no distractions within my living space."
"Which papa?"
"Klyden."
"I had a feeling." She sits next to Topa on her bed, pats Topa's leg — retracts her hand, feels heat form over her cheeks, tries to stifle the awkwardness. "I wanted to ask you something."
"What is it, Commander?"
"Well…. I won't be…. Topa. You once told me you were lost, that you thought you might find yourself among the stars, doing what I do. But that was before you knew the truth. Now that you've found yourself… you still really want to be in the Union?"
Topa looks up at her. She looks so alive. "Yes," Topa replies. "I do. I want to help others as you and the Orville have helped me."
"I got offered a teaching position at Union Point a while ago," she explains. "Do you mind if I tag along and be there for you if, you know, you ever need someone?"
Topa looks excited for a moment, jumping up in youthful joy, before the consequences dawn on her and she recoils. "You would be leaving the Orville."
"Come on, your father would make a wonderful first officer, you know that. The ship will be in good hands. And Ed has told me I can always come back if it doesn't work out."
Topa looks away. "I do not want to take you away from your calling."
Kelly smiles, brushes her hair behind her ear. "Something I have learned recently… is that callings can be flexible."
"Then I would very much enjoy having you there."
Kelly leans in closer, feels Topa's breath against her face. She looks nervous; Kelly hopes that Topa doesn't detect her own nervousness in the moment. "Can I tell you a secret?"
"Of course."
"I'm thinking when we get back to Earth, I might want to adopt a kitten. How does that sound?"