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Cassie stands outside her new girlfriend’s new apartment with a hundred dollar bouquet of flowers and a duffle bag. It’s almost ten at night, her clothes and hair are drenched in water, the rain in Washington hasn’t stopped for the past week, and during her run to Cissie’s new apartment from the bus station Cassie could not avoid getting rained on. The apartment building’s floor was already covered in droplets of water, more were dripping from the tips of her fingers and her short hair every second. The clothes in her bag are probably soaked, she protected the flowers instead.
The flowers were more important, they were a big gesture. Cissie and Cassie had only been dating for a few weeks, and Cissie moving out was a huge deal. Her inviting Cassie to her new apartment before anyone else also felt like a huge deal. This has to be perfect, this has to be so good. She knocks twice, and through the door hears Cissie’s voice.
“Just a moment!”
Cassie stands there for a few seconds more, moving balance from her heels to her toes again and again. The duffle bag is heavy, and the thorn in one of the roses she bought pokes into her palm. She tightens her hand around it. The door swings open and Cissie smiles at her. “Hey!”
“Hey.” Cassie leans forward, hugging her with one arm, getting Cissie’s clothes wet, too. “I, uh, I got flowers.” She sticks her hand out, and the flowers rustle with the wet brown paper they’re wrapped in.
“Thank you, I love them. Come on, come on. You’re soaked.” Cissie urges her in and grabs the flowers out of her hand. Cassie takes her mud covered shoes off at the entrance and walks into the small apartment.
“What do you think?” Cissie gets a vase from the corner of the living room and puts the flowers in it. “I’m planning to go to Goodwill to get some art for my wall next weekend, and I need to get the photos from Bart’s digicam developed too, but I think it’s pretty nice.” She hands Cassie a large towel.
Cassie finally takes a good look around the place, while wringing the water out of her hair and clothes. On her right there’s a small kitchen, three light brown cabinets with matching drawers under the sink and stove top oven, and two bigger ones near the low ceiling. The living room is just an old bright green carpet and a light blue old couch, with a small coffee table mostly covered by Cissie’s stereo and a few books she’d been reading. Cassie also spots a screen window leading to a mini balcony. From her place near the floor she can see the door to Cissie’s bedroom, and the entrance to the open, mostly empty bathroom.
“I love it already. I hope you know we’re all gonna crash here all the time.”
“That’s half the fun. Should I get you a change of clothes?” Cissie asks, in reference to Cassie’s still damp clothes. “We can put what was in your bag in the dryer in the basement.”
“That sounds good, yeah.” Cassie nods and gets up, following Cissie into her bedroom. The place is a little more decorated, with curtains matching the couch’s colour and the same carpet as the one in the living room. Cissie’s twin bed is pushed up against the wall on the right, underneath the window. Her bedsheets are pale plum, the walls are covered with posters of her favourite musicians and movies, posters Cassie can remember from her old bedroom too. On the left corner stands a large pastel pink nightstand, with several drawers. Right next to it there’s a small hanger, the same type Cassie often sees in department stores, with a few dresses and jackets hung over it. Cissie walks over to the nightstand and pulls out dry clothes for Cassie—comfortable black sweatpants and a big Hole t-shirt.
“I’ll change in the bathroom?” Cassie tries to say, but it sounds like a question.
Cissie nods. “I’ll wait for you here.”
Cassie scrambles out of the room and into the adjacent bathroom. She changes out of her wet clothes into Cissie’s. Her girlfriend’s always been significantly taller than her, and it shows by the way the shirt reaches almost halfway down Cassie’s thighs and the sweatpants drag on the floor until she pulls them a little higher on her waist. The clothes are clean and slightly warm, they smell like laundry detergent. Cassie smooths her short, wet hair in the mirror and comes back out, back to Cissie’s room.
“This is so much better. What should I do with the clothes I was wearing?”
“Just put them aside in the bathroom, I’ll get them to the dryer later. Are you hungry?” She asks as Cassie puts away her clothes.
“Yeah, a little.”
“Let’s make some dinner.”
They walk into the small kitchen and Cissie starts looking through her cabinets and small fridge. “I have… Kraft mac n cheese and a gallon of milk we can use.”
“Then let’s make mac n cheese.”
“Brilliant idea!” Cissie laughs and gets a pot out of another cabinet, placing the thin blue cardboard box right next to it. Cassie opens the fridge and gets the milk jug, while Cissie fills a bigger pot with water and puts it on the stove. She jumps onto the counter and Cassie leans on it next to her. The countertops are freezing against her elbows and forearms, but she doesn’t move.
“So what’s it like living alone?”
“It’s so weird. I keep turning to talk to my mom and remember she’s not there. Then I’m really happy about it, but then I feel bad for being happy. Rinse and repeat.”
Cassie laughs, then freezes when realizing exactly what Cissie said. “Sorry, it’s not that funny.”
“It’s a little funny. I also don’t talk a lot, which feels so weird. There’s just no one to talk to. I play so much music just to hear other people’s voices, I’ve almost worn out one of the cassettes you gave me.”
“I’ll make you a few new ones, then.” Cassie watches as Cissie swings her legs a bit, banging them lightly on the cabinet doors. “So it gets a little lonely?”
“Yeah, I guess. Especially considering I spent so long in boarding school. I’m way too used to having a roommate. I was actually thinking…” She taps her hand on the counter once, looking down. “If you maybe wanted to move here too.”
“Really?’
“I mean, it doesn’t have to be right now!” Cissie rushes to say. “Just… In general.”
“No, no. That sounds great.” Cassie reassures. “I was just surprised. I’d love to move in with you.”
“Seriously?”
“Of course.” Cassie hesitantly moves her hand, interlacing her fingers with Cissie’s.
“Cool.”
Their heads both turn to the stove when they hear the water bubbling, and Cissie pours the macaroni into the pot. They finish making their dinner and eat it straight out of the pot on the kitchen floor, while the rain pounds so hard on the roof it echoes around the apartment’s space. They eat and talk about decorating the little house ( their little house, Cassie reminds herself with a smile. She’ll have to get a new job to afford the rent but that’s fine), and in the background a Patti Smith record spins on the stereo. It’s probably too loud and the sound passes through the walls to Cissie’s neighbours, but they don’t really care. They sing along loudly with full mouths, and once the pot is empty they dance around the apartment together. They hold hands and twirl each other, they laugh and stumble around like they’re drunk. At some point they hear one of the neighbours sing along with them and all three of them laugh. Cassie washes their dishes while Cissie gets her clothes into the dryer in the basement. When she comes back upstairs she brings a bottle of shitty vodka with her hand. They open it and drink straight out of it, trying not to spill anything on the floor. It’s disgusting, but they’re both a little buzzed so soon, so it doesn’t matter because they stick it in the fridge.
From classic punk rock the tape is switched into a personalised one, the one Cassie made for hers and Cissie’s first date. It’s all the sappiest, slowest love songs she could find; one after the other. It’s close to midnight so they turn the volume down a bit and push the coffee table aside. Cissie takes Cassie’s hand and spins her around once. They slow dance in missteps and whispers in the darkened apartment, the rain outside is never gonna end and they can keep dancing while Nina Simone or Lou Reed sing in the background. Lightning strikes the sky and paints their faces in pale blue as the sound of thunder and wind overpowers the music for a moment. Cassie gets on the tips of her toes to kiss Cissie. She can still taste some of her cherry lip gloss and the vodka they drank, now Cassie’s drunk on something else, too. Cissie’s hand holds her waist, the kiss is slow and a bit tentative at first as they both try and figure this out.
They’ve kissed before, of course they have. But this is different, this is the middle of the night halfway into a bottle of vodka and a decision to move in together. It’s special, it’s different. Cassie thinks Cissie feels it too. She hopes so, at least. Cassie reaches up and tangles a hand into her long, blonde hair. She used to think she wanted hair just like Cissie’s, when they first met at fifteen. In the five years since that thought shifted more into wanting to braid Cissie’s hair, and to run her hands through it and help her brush it when she got sick. Then it turned out that that’s love, or some part of it. Cissie’s hair is soft, she takes care of it well. A quick peek into her bathroom reveals an expensive shampoo and mask along with a special conditioner. Her hair always smells a bit like coconut, it shines in the sun. It’s perfect, like everything about her. The strong arms of a former archer and her cosmically beautiful face, her bright blue eyes.
They pull apart in quiet giggles, with plumped red lips. They stumble their way in the dark to the couch together, Cissie lays back and her long legs hang off the edge while Cassie gets on top of her, knees and elbows fixed on either side of her body. She kisses Cissie again, and the latter’s hands are immediately sent to grab her shirt and bunch up Cassie’s short hair. Maybe Cassie needs this now, because everything she does feels urgent.
Even though she’s dizzy and even though the taste of the vodka still in her mouth is disgusting, she needs this. So she kisses Cissie again and again, like a raving person swimming in a lake after years in the desert. Again, and again, and again, because this is her water now. How is she supposed to live without this? It’s more addictive than any substance. The feeling of Cissie’s fingers curling into the thin fabric of the band shirt they bought matching pairs of at a concert a few years ago. So hard Cassie feels it on her back. She moves to kiss Cissie’s jaw, then down her neck. Her quick panting is the angels’ singing in Cassie’s ears. Her skin is heaven. She is all that separates Cassie from eternal damnation. So she keeps kissing Cissie. Her neck, her eyes, her lips. It’s her cure, her lifeline, all that’s left in life is the two of them on the couch at midnight with Take My Breath Away playing in the background. It’s such a cliche the moment is straight out of the cheesy rom-coms they used to all watch together in Tim’s basement, and the cliche is much more fun when she’s part of it.
Cissie keeps grabbing her hair and the back of her neck, always trying to get her closer. It won’t be close enough until she can get under her skin, but for now this is good too. Cassie slowly leans more of her weight on Cissie, now their bodies are pressed together. The world is cold and rainy, the rain is never going to end, but Cissie is warm and she’s holding her, so how cold can it actually be for them? Cassie hesitantly presses her knee between Cissie’s legs, and she’s relieved to hear a soft groan from the back of her throat as Cassie leaves open mouth kisses around her collarbone. Cissie reaches under Cassie’s chest, her hand is cold against Cassie’s skin but the touch is too good for her to complain.
They stay this way for longer than either of them can or want to measure, the tape ends and they don’t bother rewinding it. Nothing could pull them away from one another. The rain lasts for an eternity, and the city sleeps around when they’re still wide awake. There’s no sleep necessary with the magic of these moments, each kiss stretching into infinity. Cissie’s presence is so all-consuming that no time passes as long as she’s there, as long as she holds Cassie and kisses her with growing need and passion. Cassie’s clothes have been sitting in the dryer for hours and she doesn’t even remember they exist. Nothing else exists, the world melts with the rain and sweet, hot kisses on the couch is all that’s left for them. She could get addicted to this. Maybe she already is, who’s to tell?
All Cassie knows is that this is good and it can’t end. All she knows is that there has been a deficit, a cavity in her life that’s finally filled. That she spent years waiting until she’d start loving boys the way she’s supposed to, but that loving Cissie came to her the moment they met. She didn’t know what kind of love it was for so long, and there is so much regret in her about the time they could have had together. But in moments like this, there’s nothing to wonder or miss or regret. In moments like this they are just two young girls who are in love, no matter what they’re supposed to do differently. They’re just two young people in love, who dance in the living room to their favourite music, and make dinner right alongside with plans for the future, who kiss on the couch until the middle of the night because they can sleep side by side until noon the morning.
Much later into the night, they fall asleep on the couch. The heating is on and all the windows are closed, the cassette tape is still where they placed it after their meal. They’re cuddling up with a blanket thrown over them. Their clothes are gathered in small piles on the floor, thrown there haphazardly. They hold each other tightly in the dark, skin to skin to skin. Cassie’s head is tucked under Cissie’s chin, every breath she takes blows the latter’s hair a bit. There’s peace underneath that blanket, knowing nothing can hurt them. Knowing that this is their space, one they created through sweat and tears. A place where they’re safe to be who they are together. There’s no one around to tell them how to be or what to do or who to love or anything. They make their own choices, they do what they want. In a few days their friends will be there for a housewarming party, they’ll listen to music and make dumb jokes and drive to the movie theater to watch something only one of them is interested in. And at the end of the day, Cissie and Cassie can come home to each other. So they sleep in peace.
Tomorrow they’ll do it all over again.