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I thought I saw Johnny at the party that night. I mean, from behind the guy looked just like him; the same spiky dark hair, the same bony anorexic-looking frame, he even had the same fucking boots. It made me drop my drink and bolt for the door, elbowing past chatting, necking couples and drunks. It was easy enough to ditch the party, which is one of the benifits of being a maladjusted agoraphobe who only leaves the house when she's forced to: I had chased off anyone who would bitch about me leaving. Sickness curled up from the back of my mind and gave a low displeased hiss when I slammed out the door but she was easy enough to ignore.
It was actually a decent night outside. The city lights masked the stars but it was cool and damp from acid rain. No one was out here smoking, thank God. I made my way to my car, parked a little off the side of the road, and folded my arms and leaned against it. Let my head fall to rest again the slick metal. My eyes felt gummy and painful. There had been a lot of cigarette haze in that house.
You should go back in, Sickness rasped. I could feel her presence becoming a little more distinct now. She had receded while I was at the house, probably delighted I wasn't working. Damn you, Tenna, for being impossible to scare off and dragging me out tonight.
Sickness bubbled a laugh. She sounded more disgusting every day, a rotting dead thing that was trying to speak with decaying, juicy lips and a tongue that had gone to pieces. She hadn't sounded that gross at first. Maybe I was projecting onto her.
That's not a very nice thing to say about your friend, she chided. Tenna only has your best interests in mind, you know. It was a good party. Why don't you go back in, have a drink, maybe pick someone up? After all, you've been working so hard lately. I think you deserve a break.
Shut the fuck up! I told her fiercely. The scar on my hand gave a fierce throb. I curled my fingers around and dug my chipped nails into it. The party was a waste of time. Other PEOPLE are a waste of time. You just don't quit, do you?
Breaking down a person is a full-time job. You should just try to unwind sometime. You'd like it if you let yourself. She sounded sulky now. Sickness was a pissy, self-righteous head... thing. She acted like she had a right to come set up shop in my head, and that I had an obligation to entertain her. Like I had asked her to move it. I have enough shit happen to me, thanks, I'd rather not have a noisy, nosy tenant in my brain who won't listen to the eviction orders.
Instead of answering her I pulled out my keys and clicked the car open. It was dim and even cooler inside. I leaned back against the head rest and swallowed, the sticky-sweet taste of soda still on my lips.
Tenna had hitched a ride with me to come of the party, after dragging out a promise of attendance in the first place. She could probably catch another ride easily (everyone loved Tenna, the wild upbeat funny party girl) but that wouldn't be fair just to leave her. I didn't want to go back in and find her, but waiting didn't appeal that much either. I had unfinished paintings at home. Before I could really decide anything she came out anyway.
She shook off some guy and another tall black woman with laughing ease. Her dark skin glowed under the streetlights; she walked to the edge of the road holding what looked like a plastic cup of beer. The streetlight's glow through the beer was the same shade as the highlights on her skin.
She looked to the side and we made eye contact. Slowly she picked her way off the pavement onto the rocky side of the road, making her way towards my car. Drunk, I thought; when Tenna took to much she got slow and a little quieter, instead of rowdy.
"Are you leaving?" she asked when I rolled down the window for her, but she didn't wait for a response. "God, you're such a damn recluse. They've even got a conga line going! You don't want to miss that!"
Guilt. Damn. "I have work to do," I told her, tracing around the steering wheel with my finger. "It's been put off too long already. I really shouldn't have come out at all."
She sighed, lifted her glass, and drained the remaining alcohol in three big gulps. When it was gone she licked her lips. "I didn't even get a picture of you leaving the house!"
Her eyes went a fraction more serious when she looked down at me. "Do you want to catch a movie or anything?" she asked. "Or go out to eat? Come on, this is like the first time you've been out of house in three weeks. I've been leaving boxes of ramen at your door. Aren't you sick of that yet?"
"No." It was late enough to be early but I still felt jittery and awake, like energy was sparking from my fingertips. A perfect painting mood, actually. "I have work to do."
"Then I'll come with you," Tenna decided. "Maybe Spooky and I can keep you company while you paint!"
Yeah, and then I'd agree to another date with Johnny and let Sickness have a little fun for once. I rolled my eyes as she scrambled in.
Traffic was light and easy to navigate. Lights flashed in and out of the car, casting squares onto our skin. Mine seemed fluorescent against Tenna's dusky color. I could smell alcohol in her breath when she turned to me, and she was definately a little tipsy; quiet, relaxed, her mouth curving in an easy smile. She combed her fingers through her hair every few minutes, showing her perfect white teeth in the biggest grin ever.
We didn't get out right away when I parked at our apartment block. Instead we sat together in the square of light, listening to my car quiet down. She looked at me so intensely, her eyes dark and velvet soft, and I looked back. This had a feel uncomfortably like a Moment. I got Moment feelings from the man with no bowel control, from the zombie guy, from Johnny when we were about to kiss. They've never led to anything good.
"You should really try to relax, Devi," Tenna said. "You're gonna miss so much of everything if you don't."
"Keeping my sanity is more important than fun," I told her. In the back of my head, Sickness emanated a feeling of sneer.
"You're still on about that?"
I looked away. Someone was clocking some late hours; a first floor window had slots of light between the blinds. Some college kid lived there; he's demented in a sweet and pathetic kind of way. He has a small thin boyfriend with a skin condition and they fuck like bunnies every night. I can hear it but I really don't want to mention it to him, because it's embarassing enough already.
Tenna reached across the seat very carefully, and the pads of her fingers brushed across my face, like she was just feeling me out- like she was blind and touching me to see. Her hands were so soft and so warm. My skin is always cold. She took my shoulders and inclined me closer to her, so we were almost eye to eye. It made my back twist uncomfortably. Her pupils were dilated hugely. She was drunker than I had realized.
"You're so pissed off all the time," she told me. I could smell the alcohol on her breath more than ever; she breathed out when she kissed me. I'm felt my own buzz then; my lips were closed (chaste) but she brushed them with warm tongue.
Yesssss, Sickness breathed from the back of my mind. Her voice chilled my blood. Do this. Do this, Devi, for me; you've denied me everything, I need this I need it I need it I need it...
Chills broke out all over me. I hurtled away from Tenna; my head was spinning too much to let her down gently. Her head banged against the window. She gasped and gave me the most betrayed look ever. It's more violence than I meant.
"Sorry, Tenna," I whispered. "I'm really sorry. But I can't right now."
She coughed. She seemed droopy and tired and sad, dropped out of the strange elated high she was riding in. "You never let yourself react anymore," she said.
"I help you to your room," I told her. I didn't know how to address what she just said.
We stumbled down the hall together. Sickness was furious, sending out putrid-hot waves of emotion to slam me. I almost had you there! she raged. So close, at last! Why did you have to resist, you BITCH? Resist AGAIN!
I almost didn't. I might have fallen for that if Sickness hadn't jumped for victory too soon. That weighs on me, heavier than anything. The sad thing is, I know this might happen again. I don't know if I'll get luckly the next time, though.