Chapter Text
Working with Cerberus had made Ashley well aware of the Collector attacks on human colonies. It had led her to put on civvies to vidcall her mother and beg her to move the girls from Amaterasu to Earth. Sure, the Collectors had only been targeting colonies in the Terminus at the time, but if they did start going after colonies with better defenses, Earth had the best defenses of all.
And those defenses were no match for the Reapers.
Too afraid to see the damage, she resists the urge to go up to the Normandy's CIC to look out the window like the old days. Instead, she stares at nothing as she stretches by the shuttle, trying not to think about her family (about Kaidan, who had dropped her off and kissed her goodbye and good luck for her testimony mere hours before the Reapers had hit), barely listening to James's continued whining about having to leave Earth and then speculation about what they're looking for on Mars.
His sudden silence doesn't really register, not until Shepard says, "So. Lieutenant Commander."
She looks up to find Shepard nearby, leaning an elbow on the procurement terminal with a casual pose that doesn't match the tension in her spine.
"Shepard," she replies cautiously. Sure, Kaidan (please, God, let him be safe) had thought it would be worth asking for her forgiveness, but he leans more optimistic than she does.
Her tone is dangerously light. "Did you get that promotion for spying on me?"
On paper, only her commission was for spying on Cerberus, but she knows it's not the specific rank Shepard's asking about. "Shepard -"
The look Shepard directs at her is an even one she's seen given to politicians. "Were you ordered to seduce me too?"
"Holy shit," James blurts out, and then quails under their combined glares, and he makes a hasty retreat to the elevator.
"That was all me," she says, once he's gone. "I still cared about you -"
"Oh, so that's why you reported on my every move to the Alliance!" Shepard peels herself off of the terminal, ditching all attempts at her indoor voice as she comes towards Ashley with a predator's precision usually reserved for their enemies. Kaidan was so wrong this time. "That's very caring."
"Look, I was under orders, and I didn't know if it was really you," she points out. "If they'd messed with your brain so you'd believe in them, or if they'd put in a control chip -"
"Yeah, well, they didn't -"
"I figured that out!"
Shepard stops before her and snaps to attention, her eyes finding the wall. "'Dear Hackett, it's the real Shepard, a Cerberus one wouldn't be staring at my ass.'"
"I wasn't reporting to Hackett, and I didn't report a thing about us," she protests, and Shepard drops the report impersonation to roll her eyes. "I have never told the brass about us, because that was for us, not for anyone else -"
"Do you know how much it would have helped me to know that the Alliance would accept someone working with Cerberus - would assign someone to Cerberus?" Shepard thrusts an accusing finger into her face. "You were there when Anderson said they wouldn't take me back, and you didn't say a thing!"
"We were with Miranda with EDI linked into our comms; I couldn't reveal myself to Cerberus!"
"You couldn't even reveal yourself to me!" Shepard cries. "I would have kept your secret - hell, I would have given you all the dirt on Cerberus I had! But no, you just lied to my face, you made me believe that you'd turned traitor, you told me that you -"
She's doing this all wrong, Ashley realizes. Kaidan had said Shepard was hurt - defending herself doesn't help Shepard heal; it just hurts her more.
(They were planning to talk to her tonight.)
"I'm sorry," she cuts in, stopping Shepard in her tracks. "I'm not lying now - I think about what I did to you every single day. It's the worst thing I've ever done and I'm never going to do it again: I'm retired from undercover work, and I'm done with lying to you."
"Every single day for six months?" Shepard demands. "Because I've been in that cell for six months for shit I never would have done if I had a choice, and six months ago you just walked away and I never saw you again until today!"
"I was a coward," Ashley confirms. "I kept trying to come and see you but I could never think of how to tell you how sorry I am."
"Yeah, right."
"It's true," she says, and wonders if HQ's security footage is backed up off site somewhere, because HQ itself is no doubt destroyed by now.
"Too much of a coward to say no," Shepard says, shaking her head. "You know what I did when I received orders I disagreed with? I stole the Normandy."
"What do you need me to do, Shepard?" Ashley pleads. "I'm sorry for lying, for not coming to see you, for not working harder to save you from Cerberus and from house arrest. How can I make this up to you?"
"You can't," she spits. "You ruined a year of my life, and let me believe you were making it better. I'm not a stuck rifle you can fix."
Shepard walks away, and at the terminals, doesn't bother turning around to add, "Oh, and so there's no ambiguity the next time you try to start a relationship: This is a breakup. I'm done with you."
Desperate, Ashley blurts out her first name and follows it up with, "Damnit, I love you!"
Abruptly, Shepard stands stock still. Ashley decides to press her luck. "That was real - I lied about Cerberus, I lied about the Alliance, but I never lied about the way I feel about you. I never made that up. My love for you was the most real thing about that tour."
(She'd told her on the way back through the Omega-4 Relay. Soaring confidence after leading the distraction fireteam without losing anyone, a narrow victory, a narrower escape, and a heavy dose of painkillers after the Collectors had shot her in the side right where the geth had hit her on Virmire had overridden her previous reservations about saying she loved someone she was lying to. Shepard had been so happy to hear it that she'd forgotten to feel guilty.)
Without a word, Shepard whips around and storms back up to her, and then slams her backwards against the shuttle. Unlike last year, she's putting her heavy bone weave into it, but Ashley doesn't complain, can't complain because Shepard's mouth is crushed to hers in the most vicious kiss she's ever had. Why would she complain, when she's dreamed about this even if not under these circumstances, when she'd thought only seconds ago that Shepard would never touch her again? She kisses her back without thinking, even as Shepard bites hard on her lip, even as Shepard's tongue is in her mouth like she wants to conquer her, even as Shepard makes a fist in her hair. Ashley reaches for her, tentative even by her normal standards, unsure of what she's allowed with Shepard in this mood, only for Shepard to grab her wrists and hold them so tightly it's almost painful.
Well. Okay, then. Ashley arches against her, because she can't give her the last year back but at least she can give her this. Shepard lets go of her hair in favor of squeezing her breast, finding her nipple through her officer's jacket and pinching, making Ashley moan into her mouth, her legs parting just in time for Shepard to shove her thigh between them. They thrust against each other, Shepard eventually using both hands on her breasts, until Shepard withdraws from the kiss and goes for the side of her neck that's usually covered by her hair.
"Fuck, please, Shepard," Ashley groans, rolling her hips.
Shepard stares just long enough for Ashley to wonder if Kaidan left her a hickey or stubble burn; no one on base had mentioned anything. The hurt and anger in Shepard's eyes when she looks up at her could be confirmation or it could just be about her lying; it's hard to tell. More worryingly, there's a hint of red light in her cheek where her resurrection scars had been.
"Put a fucking hardsuit on, Williams," she snarls, stepping decisively away from her. "I'm not waiting for you to get dressed when we touch down on Mars."
"I'm sorry," Ashley says, almost begs. Shepard stalks off, and once the elevator doors close, she repeats, "I'm sorry," to the empty shuttle bay.
She's never felt so off axis.
The tension in the shuttle is a thousand times thicker and a thousand times worse than the sexual tension between them while they were working with Cerberus. Ashley's grateful to get out onto Mars, to have a mission to focus on and the ability to put more space between her and Shepard since Shepard so clearly despises her even if she still wants her.
She's less grateful for the mission when it turns out Cerberus is here as well, executing people on the road to a research facility, which isn't, in their experience, Cerberus's usual MO. Though they're the same rank now, Shepard takes command and Ashley falls in line, sniping two operatives on Shepard's surly command before Cerberus catches on and the firefight becomes a little less one-sided. As on Freedom's Progress a year ago, she can't help but watch Shepard in between taking down operatives: She's a little slow, as one might expect from six months on house arrest with no access to gym equipment nor weaponry, and she's not entirely familiar with James's abilities, but her voice still carries the ring of authority and her strategy's still solid.
And then Shepard catches her staring and says, "What, are you planning your report about me?"
Ashley winces, and takes out an operative Shepard's hanging in the air with her biotics. It's this that gives her the courage to say, "Can't a girl watch the woman she loves in her element?"
Hearing this over their comms, James walks into a crate and she has to laugh, but Shepard just huffs in her helmet and darts forward.
When they run into Liara, she's surprised enough to see them working together that Ashley wonders what all in the Alliance the Shadow Broker has access to, but she holds her tongue. She already has the Savior of the Citadel stoking a grudge; the Shadow Broker's probably a more dangerous person to piss off. Besides, Liara's a much more calming influence between her and Shepard than James had been, quicker to turn the subject back from "I hope I'm not coming off as too off book in your report" cattiness onto what she's found in the Archives and how Cerberus might have gotten in. Ashley's glad to have her around, gladder as she and Shepard momentarily deafen her with biotic explosions.
(Biotics had always been the one thing she couldn't join Shepard and Kaidan in, whether it was discussions of amp models or collaboration in the field. They'd done their best to not make her feel like a third wheel by using their biotics on her in bed, the tingle of dark energy multiplying the sensation of their actions or once in a rare moon replacing fingers or mouths when they were feeling particularly ambitious.
(She doesn't kid herself that she'll ever be lucky enough to have that again.)
As Ashley pokes around the armor of a dead Cerberus operative for a helmet comm, Liara says something she doesn't catch, and Shepard loudly replies, "Yeah, turns out you learn a few things while you're spying on your ex."
With a sigh, Ashley waves a hand. "This one's got a short range transmitter."
Shepard strides over and simply raises an eyebrow, so she pops open the operative's helmet.
And immediately regrets it.
"He looks like a husk," she says, the image burnt into her brain by Eden Prime.
"But not quite," says Shepard, bending down to examine him, and on second glance she's right; there's something a little off. "They did this to one of their own - and sent him into the field?"
"This is what I was worried about," Ashley says, trying to keep her voice calm. "That you were like this guy. But I found out you're not, you're still the woman I love. So if we're working together again for the Alliance, I need you to trust me."
"How can I?" Shepard asks, more pain than fury in her voice and face now. "Finding out you'd defected was bad enough; finding out you lied to me broke my trust in you and my heart."
"At least give me a chance to earn it again," she says. "Let me do my job and support you without all the backtalk. Get to know me again. I might have grown up some but I'm still me."
The scarring across her cheek looks more pronounced than it had on the ship as Shepard stands and faces away from her. "I need time, Ash," she says; Ash cautiously decides to take the switch back from 'Williams' to 'Ash' as a minor victory. "I haven't seen you in six months. The last thing I knew about you was that you'd been lying to me since Cerberus brought me back, and then suddenly you're a Lieutenant Commander. You say you're still you, but I don't know what that means any more."
This is more progress than she'd hoped for after their earlier confrontation and makeout session. "You can have all the time we can steal from the Reapers," she says. She's a sniper. She can be patient.
Shepard gives her the smallest of nods before crouching to remove the Cerberus operative's helmet comm. Watching her, Ashley wonders if Kaidan might have been right after all.