Chapter Text
These violent delights have violent ends; and in their triumph die like fire and powder - Ohma
(It’s 9:27 PM, and we’re live for a second time this evening with O-) For fucks sake, give me the microphone! We’re not live, and I’ve asked you four times now to stop treating this like it’s a TV show! The kids are better listeners than you are I swear to- NO, gods, they’re not mine! Do I look like I have kids? When I’m not here dealing with you and your bullshit, they have me questioning some of the children coming in from- you know what? No! I told you when we started this - no questions about my life, no personal details. I’m only giving you this much because you’ve been cooperative, and the second that stops- I’m gone, and you’re back in a cage to beg for ration bricks and stare at the walls until someone decides how to deal with you. Got it? Good. Ask your questions.
How did I feel the first night? I thought we agreed to leave my feelings out of it and keep the focus on- ugh. Don’t start with that again! Fine. Honestly… I don’t remember much about that first day at all. I remember feeling afraid- relieved after the bloodbath, but then Mom got so angry about something she heard on the news that… I just… it’s a blur. She wouldn’t let me near the TV, besides when she had to for the Games themselves. But for some reason, I was grounded from my usual shows. And there was so much yelling. I don’t think I really got a handle on anything that was happening, let alone how I felt about it, until the next day. That’s when I was able to put some distance between me and the rest of the family. And since Voltaea wasn’t in any danger… well, immediate danger, that day- I had a lot of time to think instead of panic.
The smog in the air seems especially thick, and what the local weather broadcast had said would be a bright and sunny mid-morning in the main square is instead soured by a gray, choking haze. That’s something I’ve really come to appreciate about this place, actually. At first I missed home. But… no smog- the sun shines when it says it will. And I never could stand the smell, it’s- What? Excuse me?! I’m NOTHING like her! Do you want to keep talking? Then don’t ever imply something like that again! Anyway…
The first thing I remember thinking is that V barely looks like herself. Ohma Amprole stares up at her sister- eyes wild, hair a wreck, skin tinted a haunting green from the special cameras the Capitol had set up to film in the dark. After the Reaping, the stage outside the Justice Building had been fitted with a huge projector screen, where the official broadcast of the Hunger Games rolls on, uninterrupted, twenty-four hours a day- She hasn’t been able to take her eyes off it for more than a few minutes since she got here this morning. That was another culture shock when I left. I hadn’t realized just how much Capitol media we were exposed to living so close to the inner Districts. You know they only air the games during mandatory viewing hours in some places? I can’t imagine how much worse I’d have felt if I couldn’t check in on her whenever I wanted to.
“Ohma! Are you coming? I want to get something to eat!” Lumen grabs her hand and tugs her away, towards the edge of the square where a dozen or so local vendors have set up stalls selling all manner of things she can’t possibly afford.
She tells her friend this, trying to keep the tears out of her voice - “You know my mom didn’t give me any money…”
But the girl doesn’t let up - “I didn’t ask if you had money, I said I was hungry.” Lumen gives her a warm smile - “Mine gave me enough for both of us, just in case.”
“Thanks. I’ll get it next time, okay?” I think we both knew I couldn’t- but she was nice enough to let me make the offer without pointing that out. Her family was always better off- I don’t think any of them even took tesserae. V had the deck stacked against her, but Coulomb? That surprised everyone. But after the shock wore off… Lumen took the whole thing a lot better than I did. At least at first. And her family never stopped treating me like one of their own. I’ve always felt bad about that. Especially after what happened.
The girls walk past a few vendors, chattering back and forth about what looks good, when a loud voice she faintly recognizes calls out after her- “Amprole?” Ohma whirls around to see a tanned, gruff-looking man in a dark blue jumpsuit that looks suspiciously like the one her sister wears to work- two others nearby giving her sidelong looks wear the same uniform. I’d only met the people Voltaea worked with a few times before. First when they were at my school for a week to fix the backup generators, and once more when they’d been doing some work near the main square just after Games season. They were kind to her. I remembered that, at least. So I stopped. “Sorry, you probably don’t remember me.” He looks uncomfortable, sweat beading on his brow as he shifts in place.
Ohma tries to smile at him, to reassure him somehow- but she can’t muster it- “I know you. You work with my sister, right?”
He nods. “Yep.” There’s a long, awkward silence that hangs between them as they look at each other. Long enough that Lumen starts to tug on her sleeve, urging her to go- but then one of the others steps out beside him.
“What he’s trying to say is that if you need anything, you come and find us. Alright?” The woman waves off her boss, who nods to Ohma a last time before turning to leave- I didn’t know her name at the time, even with how often I’d heard about her. My sister always describes people in such a strange way- I mean, you probably know that. But I felt like I knew this woman from V’s work stories by the sound of her voice. She felt safe. Which was nice. I hadn’t felt safe since my sister left. “And if anyone bothers you about that stuff with your sister- anyone at all- let me know. I’ll make sure they regret it.”
That part confused me. I couldn’t figure out why anyone would want to bother me about Voltaea of all things- she was fighting for our District! What would they want to bother me about?! So I asked. “What do you mean?”
“You…” The woman frowns- “Do you. Um.” Suddenly she seems just as awkward as her boss had, stammering over her words- “Have you heard anything about what’s going on?” Before Ohma can answer, the woman asks- “Wait, are you even old enough to know what’s going on?”
At this point I’m both confused and frustrated, but I try to play along with her questions- “I’ll be in the Reaping next year-”
That seemed to be the wrong answer- “Gods, you’re practically a baby! Fuck…” The woman swears under her breath, trailing off.
Part of me wants to cry. Part of me knows something big is going on with V- between this and the way mom was acting… I have to find out what it is. So I choke back my tears and practically beg her to tell me- “Will you please tell me what’s happening? Do you know what’s wrong with my sister? My mom won’t let me see the news- she wouldn’t even let me watch the interviews-”
“Wait, you haven’t even seen the interviews?” Lumen looks shocked when she shakes her head - We hadn’t had much time to talk since Reaping Day, I don’t think she realized quite how rough things had gotten at home. More than usual. I’d been in our- well… my room a lot.
“Lorelai! We have to go, we’re already behind schedule-” The gruff man calls out and she flips him off.
“You’re the one who can’t deal with people- now I have to do it! Give me a minute!” She turns back to Ohma, “I have to go, kiddo. But…” she shoots a look at Lumen- “You get most channels at your house, it sounds like?” The girl nods. “Good. I don’t know how to explain… well… any of this. But you deserve to know. I’d ask your friend to check on the news when you get a chance, Amprole. Your sister’s a good kid, and I don’t know if it’s Capitol lies or what, but… just don’t let anyone give you shit about it. I’ve been shutting up the whispers all day. Anyway-” Lorelai claps her on the shoulder, and turns on her heel to leave- “We’re around, you can’t miss the ugly jumpsuits!”
“Wait! But you didn’t answer my-” The woman has already rejoined her group, disappearing into the market crowd. “Ugh… nevermind…”
Lumen grabs her hand again. “We can go to my house after lunch to check the TV if you want.”
“We can't! I thought your parents were at work?!” Ohma asks, concerned - The last thing I wanted was to get in trouble for this with her parents too. I’d snuck out to get here, not that I told her that. And I was a nervous kid- this was a big deal for me already! She just shrugged, and looked at me like I was crazy for even asking.
“And? If we get caught, I’ll just pretend I needed a drink of water or something and popped in. Mom knows I’m hanging out at the square today instead of at Grandma’s.” Ohma gives her friend a suspicious look, so she doubles down- “You know how gross the drinking fountains are out here- she won’t even question it!”
My curiosity about whatever secrets were hiding on the news beat out whatever leftover nerves I had. Ohma squeezes Lumen’s hand “Okay.” and lets the girl drag her towards a vendor hawking a delicious-smelling stew and rice dish. It was honestly too hot to be eating stew, but I loved every bite- and I was almost close to calm by the time we finished eating and left for her house.
By the time we made it through the third news broadcast talking about my sister and Alara… I cried like I’d never know peace again. Why? Well first off- at that age all I knew about Alara Vox was that all the times I’d heard her name mentioned it was within spitting distance of the word “traitor”. If my sister was standing by her… well… I was smart enough to know people would start to say the same thing about her- and I couldn’t face that. The second reason was because in every shot I’d seen of them- no matter how hard I tried to convince myself this was some kind of Capitol lie- I could see the kind of look Voltaea was giving her. And I knew it wasn’t a lie. At least, the way she felt wasn’t. It didn’t make anything easier for me to understand.
Well. Besides my mom’s reaction- that suddenly made perfect sense. Neither of them ever told me about it directly- they never did when it came to the two of them- but I’d heard the arguments they’d had when she suspected my sister was different. She told Voltaea she’d embarrass the whole family if she ever acted on those thoughts- and here I was watching her on TV dressed like a model and kissing some woman our whole District hated like she didn’t have a care in the world. If V acting on her feelings was embarrassing to my mother, having her act on them so dramatically must have been her personal nightmare- and with people cheering her on, no less. Gods, she was bitter to the end about that. I guess knowing what you’ve told me about her own history with Alara… well. At least I know why she couldn’t let it go.
I only managed to pull myself together when I realized Lumen had started to cry too- she almost never cries- “What’s wrong?” Ohma wraps her arm over her friend’s shoulder, wiping her own tears on the blanket in her lap. It felt like a stupid question- everything is wrong. We both have siblings in the Games - by the rules, at least one of them has to be dead by the end of it. But this was the first time I’d seen her crying about it since her brother was reaped, so of course I asked anyway.
It takes Lumen a minute to calm herself enough to whisper an answer- “They don’t talk about him.” she sniffles loudly, clears her throat - “Every channel has been talking about your sister since the parade for one thing or another, but they barely bring him up. It’s like he doesn’t matter.” She squeezes tighter.
“He matters-”
“Not to them.” Ohma can hear the anger in the other girl’s voice- That’s where she’d been putting all her sadness. I didn’t figure out how to do that until later. “It’s worse now that the Games have started. He’s not fun anymore, now that they can’t put him in stupid outfits and talk about how cute he is!” Lumen pulls back, shaking her head - “Unless he’s talking to V or that other girl, they don’t show him at all on the official channel- you know I had to check four other shows to find out if he was alive in the bloodbath? And they gave him a three in scoring, which means everyone here’s already talking about him like he’s dead and I-” she starts to cry again.
Sorry, but this is drifting into too personal again. I can tell you about my own feelings, if that’s what it takes to keep you talking- but hers… it’s not my place. I’ll say this; we were both kids with a lot of shit to deal with, and that I think my life would have turned out a lot worse if we didn’t have each other to lean on.
And for the record- she wasn’t wrong about the Capitol media completely overlooking her brother. He just wasn’t part of the ‘story’ they were telling yet. We flipped through channels most of the next hour looking for any sign of him and there was nothing until my sister got back from whatever it was she was doing that morning. From what I saw, it was mostly just wandering the streets arguing with that other girl, but I assume she had some sort of plan. And once they’d gotten back to the tower, it didn’t seem like her plan involved doing much. Last I checked- and I didn’t check again until I had to by law that night- V was making a fire with Coulomb and the cameras cut away to find something more interesting again. We were both a bit calmer by then, and I figured that might be a good time to try and sneak home- I still thought I might be able to beat my mom back.
I was wrong. “I’ve spent the last hour calling everyone I could think of looking for you-” I’d heard that same anger in her voice a hundred times before, but never directed at me. “I can’t believe you’d do this! I expect this behavior from Voltaea- that doesn’t mean YOU have to start acting like an ungrateful brat to take her place!”
“I- I’m not trying to- I just-” I couldn’t make my mouth work the right way- she wasn’t LIKE this with me before my sister left, you know? She’d yelled at me a few times, but never with this kind of rage behind it.
“Don’t make excuses! This is how it starts- with the lying and the sneaking around, and then it’s the stealing, and then before you know it I have to pull you out of school because you can’t be bothered to get along with anyone-” I didn’t think it was fair of my mom to start accusing me of things my sister had done. And that last part was especially unfair- Voltaea had a few friends back then. I don’t think they were close or anything, but I remember her talking about them. It’s just that she also had quite a few bullies that targeted her over the years, and I guess mom finally decided it was easier to just pull her out of school altogether than to fix that. “Do you want that for yourself?! Because if you don’t smarten up, you’re going to end up just like her!”
“I saw her-” Ohma manages to choke out through a mess of phlegm and tears. “On the news.”
You could kind of see the light go out behind her eyes when I said it. I don’t know why she thought she’d be able to keep that from me in the long run. Anyone with a television knew about my sister’s relationship- the public details at least. I imagine you know more than anyone but the two of them about the private ones… Anyway, once she knew that I knew- she got very cold, and she said something that’s stuck with me ever since. “Then you understand why she’s not your sister anymore.” She was wrong- Voltaea will always be my sister. It doesn’t matter if I agree with how she lives her life or not, I’ll always love her. You might know more about that than anyone, too.
I’m… I’m getting off track again… sorry. So, after that, my mother locked herself in her room. I don’t think I saw her until the next day, but- wait, are you crying? Gods, can you not? It’s one thing when you’re the one talking, but I can’t- damnit! *CRASH, CRACKLE* Dont- We’ll pick this up tomorrow, I have to go-
(10:13 PM, Recording Ends)