Sunset ^beta

I have a 3 a.m. secret. I guess that you, sleeping peacefully next to me, would know something about that. After all, when you found out that you would disappear upon our defeat of Sin, you kept that locked in yourself, and if you weren't the type to snore so loudly, I would wonder if you ever lost sleep because, not being able to share it with anyone, you couldn't help but dwell on it and wonder if it were really real. Maybe, knowing you, that isn't the best terminology, but that's what I wonder right now, as the light of an almost full moon shines milky through the window. Your sleeping face is peaceful next to me although you're snoring down the walls.

It's not a secret that has much to do with me, at least not directly, although when I think in the hidden corners of the conversation I overheard that day from the seaside ruins overlooking the alcove, it has much more to do with me than I ever care to think about. What tears my brain and belly apart at night is that what I heard and saw that day was something that I never should have witnessed in the first place, in addition to the content of the secret itself.

Maybe, I think as I stroke your sleeping cheek before I leave the bed and prepare for a late-late night walk, maybe I should think everything through and sort my thoughts and feelings into nice little bins before I go crazy as I try to ignore it and fall asleep. As I lace up my last boot and tie the laces into a neat bow, I decide to start at the beginning.

These few weeks have been a strenuous time for many people on Besaid. Happy times, as you and I are making preparations for our wedding, something that I thought would never happen and something that makes me happier than anything I can imagine, but they're still stressful times. People coming from all corners of Spira had to be housed in the tiny village. Even just inviting those closest to us brought about 50 people from all over the continent who needed to be sheltered in a village where maybe only twice that many people lived. Arranging things so that no one had to sleep outdoors where tropical showers often poured was just one of the several troublesome calculations that have arisen lately.

So when my friends arrived on the Celsius, originally I was overjoyed to have those who knew me best around. Especially because along with Lulu, Rikku and Paine were to be my attendants and the people other than you of course that I wanted supporting me on my wedding day. Joy quickly changed to anxiety as I realized that something was bothering Rikku.

Boy troubles, I originally thought. Rikku's the type, you know. Cute, perky, and flirty, she's the type that could easily magnetically attract attention from the male gender, and all the while, she's innocent enough to not know what to do with it. Since the defeat of Vegnagun, I'd heard rumors that she and Gippal were trying to rekindle the spark that had died over correspondence when they were younger. Perhaps they were together again and having difficulties. Boy troubles came in a near infinite number of forms.

Well, since that certainly wasn't the case, I suppose I won't go into the types of boy troubles and the way that I painstakingly eliminated each of them one by one, even though Rikku, usually so open about her life, stayed conspicuously silent as I tried to figure out what was bothering her.

Right now, I'm on the roof of the temple, looking at the night sky shining cool light from above and the village bonfire producing warm light from below. The study in contrast, so much like the people I'm thinking about, warm Rikku and cool Paine, coax me out of the present and into the near past.

I was running that old gunner's gauntlet of Beclem's, just so I didn't get all out of shape and pudgy as Wakka, and as always, I landed right on the beach as I usually did, and something just told me to climb the ruins, just to let off that extra steam.

So, I climbed, and prepared to drop down to the alcove below for a little bit of relaxation by the sea. Only, the slight bits of overheard conversation stopped me.

"Rikku.... know it's tough...have to get through....her sake...ours...."

"But-but, I don't know....Yunie's....well...."

I'm pretty ashamed of this next part. Usually, I don't go eavesdropping on other people's conversations, but concern for Rikku and my own frustration at not being able to figure out what was wrong on my own prompted me to lean closer and lie down where I could hear and see better.

They sat side by side on the beach, wearing their swimsuits and nothing else. Although they weren't quite side by side, they were more next to each other with Rikku's head resting on Paine's shoulder, and Paine's hand wrapped across Rikku's back.

"I know." Paine said in a weary monotone, as if she and Rikku had this conversation often. "But you can't stop it."

"I don't really want to." Rikku's returning voice was tired and cracked a little, like she'd been crying. "It's Yunie after all, and him... and I guess, I've always said that if it wasn't me, it'd best be him. On our journey... you know he was the only one who tried as hard as I did to save Yunie. They really love each other."

Rikku... at the time, I wanted to reach out to her and give her a big hug, only...

"You don't sound so sure about that. I know how you feel about her, even if she never figured it out."

I remember how confused I was.

"Maybe it's better that way. I always thought I was braver than Brother, because at least I managed to tell her somewhat. But I was just as scared as he was. I knew she'd misinterpret it, so I was really safe."

"I can't really say anything about that. You weren't as bad as Brother. He fawned over Yuna, you were just there for her both times. Remember that."

Ideas formed then, bizarre shapes and foreign concepts that stayed at the fringes of my mind as I reached for them. I knew Brother had a boyhood crush on me that never grew up, although by the time that we defeated Vegnagun he'd let it go. And now, Rikku apparently had the same type of feelings for me. Only, I remember thinking at the time that it wasn't possible because Rikku liked boys. If she followed me to the ends of the Farplane, if she hugged me and lingered a split second more than what is traditionally considered appropriate it was because she was part of my family and one of my guardians besides. Certainly it wasn't because of some romantic love.

"I will." Rikku said, "I'm not alone, you know." She pulled away and-- this is where everything sank in-- kissed Paine straight on the lips. It was just a brief gesture of affection, but one that nobody, not even Rikku, would give to someone she was just friends or sisters with. And Paine, instead of pulling away or looking uncomfortable or doing some of her trademark ass-kicking, welcomed it, and returned it even.

And that's when I retreated, and that moment, with the kiss and the unsaid possibilities, and the profound sorrow of Rikku's for what was honestly going to be the best moment of my life was the cause of this continuing insomnia. Brides are supposed to be well-rested before the wedding, and the day after tomorrow, I'd be married and at this rate as stressed and anxious as I was when I'd been excommunicated from Yevon while on my pilgrimage. I remember the first night after we escaped Bevelle, and how you were there by my side.

So, I ran back to your arms, thinking I could find some consolation there without having to actually tell you anything about what was going on. You didn't need to know. Nothing about Paine, because you've barely met her, and especially nothing about Rikku because well...I don't know how you would handle knowing that one of your closest friends was... was...

I'm choking up aren't I? Stay strong, Yuna. Back then, I wasn't sure I wanted to think about this or wonder on the possibilities that one thought would eventually lead to.

I do now. Just so I can get to know the friends I knew so well and just so I can get some sleep, and this makes my thoughts wander down those scarcely illuminated paths that I've refused to let them wander before.

Rikku and Paine. Together. Not just as friends, or like sisters, or as partners in sphere hunting, but like you and I. I know it's not that unusual. Elma formerly of the Chocobo knights, and now of the Youth League, once confessed to me that her love and admiration for Lucil wasn't quite platonic, although the Youth League's Code of Ethics wouldn't let her pursue anything with her superiors. So I knew there were women who liked other women, and even in Bevelle, I remember hearing faint rumors that more than a few of the former Yevon clergymen preferred other men to women.

So the idea of two women loving each other the way that you and I do wasn't the shocker. It was the idea that two of these women were two of my closest friends. We fought together, we slept in the same room, we saved the world together. Rikku was family, and Paine was a close friend, now they were together. I wanted to jump down right then and grill Rikku and Paine until I got the answers that would satisfy. This was just a joke, or a dream, but not a reality. How could two of my friends, people that I knew so well be together in a romantic sense and I not have a clue about it.

And then the idea that scared me rose. What Rikku and Paine had talked about, Rikku's love for me, that until then I had thought completely platonic, because that's just how things were was not platonic at all. It wasn't quite as big a revelation as finding out the truth about Yevon and Sin back when I was a summoner, but this impact was much more personal, and to tell the truth I was reeling.

Rikku loved me. I understand that now. Maybe she always has. even on my pilgrimage to Zanarkand, although I'd remained clueless, now that I look back on it, it really wasn't that surprising. As for her and Paine, I think back to the days when we fought together. Were there any special looks between them, anything at all that would hint to them being together? No, not at all. There was that time in the hot springs when Rikku was comparing our chest sizes, but she was all about Gippal back then. Or at least she pretended to be.

These days, the signs are all there. Even since they've arrived, Paine and Rikku acted strangely around each other. While Rikku's almost as much of a chatterbox as she was before, she seems to love telling little secrets to Paine, occasionally tiptoeing up to the warrior's ear to whisper something. Paine, for her part, doesn't seem to mind Rikku's near constant violation of her personal space. While I or anyone else could expect to get snapped at or see the business end of her skull-handled sword if we accidentally brushed against her as we passed by, Rikku regularly wraps an arm around her to no consequence. In public, Paine doesn't share her affection, but if the one time that I saw them at the beach was any indication, she returns it gesture for gesture.

I'm ... well, not against them being together. If that's their happiness, then I wish them well. Both of them deserve to be happy just as much--no more so-- than I do. After all, I get the limelight and the glory, while they, who have had just as important a role in saving the world, remain the sidekicks already lost to history. Even now the stories talk about the High Summoner, the leaders of the most prominent factions in Spira, and the famous Leblanc Syndicate saving Spira. Rikku and Paine are footnotes and no amount of my correcting the hoards of admirers seems to give them the credit they deserve. So they deserve happiness, and I intend to support them if I can ever dredge up the courage to tell them that I know.

I guess I'm just uncertain about everything. We used to be so close, the three of us, and while I was wrapped up in my worries and searching for Tidus, I never really got to know the three of them. The gossip and the deep, dark, secrets, I thought I knew them all, and now I've just figured out that I knew nothing. It's not the lovers thing that bothers me so much now that I think about it, just the feeling that I knew nothing about the people that I spent so much time with.

As much as I've held the hope and witnessed the suffering for so many people, and how many have shared their life with me, I've sacrificed a lot for Spira. My parents, my faith, the aeons, you, and now apparently my friends. Maybe sacrifice isn't the right word for all of that. My father chose to make the pilgrimage, just as I chose to do so ten years later. Yevon's teachings were corrupted, so sloughing off the false hope and faith was less a sacrifice and more a release from heavy shackles. The Aeons were a necessary sacrifice, and even now I don't quite feel complete without the feeling that they were watching with me. And my friends... well, to look at the uglier side of Yuna, that was me I guess. Always more concerned with the whole of Spira and blinded by the needs of strangers all around that I never really put a priority to those who knew me best.

You, of all people, need to know this. If you had told me before that you would most likely fade away after you disappeared, while I would have been sad, I still would have continued on. Because Spira as a whole was the most important thing to me, and myself and the people who actually knew me were... I'm ashamed to admit it, but we were all expendable. That's what guardians are to a summoner, and what they've always been. People we care about, but people that we have to be willing to throw away if it becomes necessary for the greater good.

That attitude is no longer necessary in today's Spira, although attitudes change much slower than anyone is willing to admit. Machina still make a number of people nervous, and former summoners everywhere still latch onto the attitudes of the past. So when I joined the Gullwings and started traversing Spira with Rikku and Paine, as much as they were friends, I still considered them guardians of sort, and placed them at a special distance. As much as we traveled together and shared laughter and dreams, we weren't the most important things to us. Nothing that we did under my command was to make us happy, although Paine did finally come to terms with the past that haunted her.

And these thoughts are dragging me down a road that I don't want to travel again. I told Trema that the past is an important part of who we are, but the truth is that there are parts of the past that we have to leave behind or else we risk losing our future. So, my guilt and my regrets have to be buried, and permanently.

So... where was I? Rikku and Paine. Yes they're a couple now, near as I can tell, and the two feminine shadows sneaking out of Lulu and Wakka's hut testify to that. Unlike the time I saw them on the beach, Rikku seems playful, and genuinely happy as she chases Paine around like they were two kids playing tag on the island.

Though no words of their conversation reach me, the occasional shriek of Rikku's does and Paine has to remind her several times that people in the village are still sleeping. Although the way she does this with kisses doesn't seem to discourage Rikku. The idea I had of talking with them tonight vanishes, especially as the two of them run past the wall enclosing the village and into the jungle.

I know I have to speak to them soon, maybe before the wedding, maybe afterward. Definitely I'll have to thank them for the help they've given me, and let Rikku know that I really do love her as a cousin and a guardian even if I can't be what she wants me to be. She's been by my side through everything, and I can't forget that. Even though I haven't known Paine that long, she too stood by me through tough times and she opened up a lot to me. That too, is something to remember.

With them safely gone, I leave the temple roof and head back to where you are snoring, and for the first time since I climbed the ruins I let the sound of you snoring lull me to sleep. This island is a happy place tonight, the resting ground of so many in love, and the uncertainty that all love brings is for the morning. Tonight is for contentment and joy and, finally, peace.