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Cass is in her underwear, and there is a girl in her shower. The night breeze from the open window raises goosebumps on her skin. She can’t be bothered to close it though. Instead she covers her legs in her duvet and looks up at the dark ceiling. The only light in the room comes from the moon and stars outside. Even the crack underneath her door is dark. The whole world is asleep, but she is up to hear the sound of toads and badgers who somehow survive in the cracks of the city.
Rose comes out of the shower in a t-shirt from Cass’s closet, wringing the last bits of water from her hair. As she walks closer to Cass, the light from the window paints her skin a pale blue. Cass notices a small smile on Rose’s lips as she lays down next to her, back leaned against the headboard.
“Hey. How are you?”
“Good.” Cass lays her hands on her stomach. “You?”
“Clean. Your shower is nice. And I had a long day.”
“What happened?”
“Just weird.” She shrugs and reaches for her things, pulling a box of cigarettes and a lighter from the pocket of her pants. Rose climbs on the windowsill over Cass’s bed and takes one out. “You want one?”
“Okay.” Cass goes to sit next to her and watches her light the cigarette, protecting the fire from the whistling wind. She takes a long drag and exhales the smoke away from the window.
Cass takes the cigarette from her hand and tries to mimic her. She coughs at the burn of the smoke entering her lungs, and the bitter taste in her mouth. “Ew.”
“Yeah, it’s not great.” Rose chuckles and takes it back from her. “You get used to it after a while.”
“Let me try again.” She feels the flimsy paper and the filter between her pointer and her middle finger. Cass presses the cigarette to her lips, taking a small drag. The tingling burn underneath her ribs returns. It’s not as intense this time, she lets it festers and ignores the acidic taste in her mouth that makes her want to gag. After a few seconds she blows out the smoke and coughs again.
“Thoughts?”
“It’s gross.”
Rose laughs, throwing her head against the wall behind her. “It kind of is.” She looks off into the dark garden and sighs. “It’s nice out. I can’t wait for winter.”
“I don’t like the cold.”
“Really? I love it.”
Cass shrugs. “Summer’s nicer. So what happened today?”
“Nothing, really. Just…” She furrows her brows and looks down. “Dads, you know?”
Cass chuckles and nods. “Yeah, dads. Did he do something?”
“No, not really. That’s what sucks. I haven’t seen him in weeks.”
“Then what?”
Rose bites the inside of her cheek and looks back into Cass’s room. “I just fucking… saw the same couch he has at his house on the street.” Her words are barely over a whisper. “And it made me wanna throw up. It’s so stupid.”
She can only nod at Rose’s words. Cass knows exactly what she talks about. She’s felt it a thousand times before. It’s always the smallest things that get her. The smell of the air freshener he used, someone who walks the same way he did, a similar intonation in a stranger’s voice.
“What do you do when that happens?” Rose asks, taking another drag of the cigarette.
“Punch something.”
She laughs again. Rose has a nice laugh, melodic and sweet. It sounds like something you’d hear on TV, maybe in an old Audrey Hepburn movie. Cass wants to make her laugh again.
“That sounds like a good idea, maybe I’ll try it.” She passes the cigarette back to Cass.
After exhaling the smoke, coughing less this time, Cass smiles. “I like talking to you,” she slowly says. “It’s fun. I don’t… have a lot of friends.”
“Really? Huh.”
They pass it between them for a while longer, watching the wind shake the trees and weave paths through the tall grass. Cass insists that she wants it to grow wilder in front of her room. The silence of the world at these hours reminds her of home, even though she is home.
“I like talking to you, too.” Rose says eventually. She puts the cigarette out and tosses it into the trash when they get back into Cass’s room. “I should probably head out soon. It’s late.” Her voice is somewhat strained. She doesn’t turn to put her clothes back on or get all of her things, and instead lies down next to Cass. She smiles and Cass turns over to kiss her.
They chase each other in and out of that kiss, unable to let go of one another for more than a second. Rose’s lips are cracked. Her scarred skin is much smoother and warmer than it first seems. She makes a soft noise from the back of her throat when Cass bites her bottom lip. She wants to hear it again. Instead, she runs the tips of her fingers up Rose’s thigh and delights in her gasp.
Only when the fabric of Rose’s eyepatch scratches Cass’s face gently and she giggles do they pull away.
“Are you okay?” Rose asks.
“Yeah. Feels funny.”
“Really?”
“It itches a little.”
Rose seems taken aback. “Hold on.” She draws away and reaches for the back of her head.
A second later her eyepatch is off, revealing her empty eye socket. Cass doesn’t say anything, she only sits and looks.
“What?” Worry creeps into Rose’s voice. It snaps Cass back to where they are, to who they are.
“You’re pretty.”
“Oh.” In the dark it’s hard to tell, but a blush spreads on Rose’s cheeks. Cass has never seen her blush before. “Thanks.”
Cass doesn’t know what to say again, so she leans in to kiss Rose, who puts her hand underneath Cass’s chin. She tilts her head to the side in order to get closer and puts her hand on Rose’s waist underneath the shirt she’s wearing. The room is cold but Rose’s skin is so warm to the touch. The cigarette tastes better on her tongue than it did earlier, Cass can understand how people get addicted to them now.
She moves her other hand to cup Rose’s face, running her thumb under where her left eye should be. Her skin still has the imprint of the fabric. Cass doesn’t want to draw attention to it, so she buries her face where Rose’s chin meets her neck and leaves gentle fluttering kisses underneath her jaw all the way to her collarbone. When Rose giggles Cass can swear the sun is shining outside her window for the briefest moment.
Rose pulls away, and the smile fades from her face as she says: “It’s really late, I should probably go.”
“Stay,” Cass finds herself saying, before she even thinks about it. She wants Rose to stay. Fuck.
“Are you sure?” Rose lifts her eyebrows. “What about your family? Are none of them home?”
“It’s fine. I don’t care.” She weakly shrugs. “You should stay.”
“Yeah. Okay. I will.”
“Cool.” Cass feels her face and chest heating up. She shouldn’t have said that. She shouldn’t even want it.
But she does. She desperately wants it. She watches Rose braid her hair loosely and fold her clothes at the edge of the bed and can only feel her heart swelling with feelings she shouldn’t have towards this girl. And when they lay in the bed together her heart is beating so loudly Cass worries Rose can hear it. Rose doesn’t show any sign she can, and instead just smiles.
“Your bed is comfortable.”
“Mhm.” Cass pulls her blanket over the two of them and inches closer. Rose’s foot finds Cass’s under the sheets and they pass gentle touches that leave them warmer and warmer as they go on.
“Thanks for inviting me over,” Rose says, as if she doesn’t know Cass’s quick text earlier that night wasn’t just part of the search for distraction. “I had a good time. Night.”
“Goodnight.” Cass finally lays her head down on her pillow, still feeling all the small places Rose is touching her. Their knees knocking into each other, their forearms laid next to one another. They’re so close Cass can feel Rose’s breath on her skin. She drifts into slumber, wondering how badly she’s going to regret this in the morning.