Chapter Text
Welcome back to The Majik Mik Morning Musick Show. I’m your host DJ Magik Mik and this is my co-host Dingbat. We’re here playing your favorite disco hits, and have we got some great ones for you.
Hits like a baseball bat, am I right?
Our lawyers recommend we refrain from mentioning baseball bats on air. Next up this great hit from the ZeeBeez—
Or the Zombies for those of you not hip with the times—
Flaying the Live.
“You can tell by the way I use my walk I’m a Samingan….”
—
“Stupid Punisher left the radio playing.”
“And it’s the disco station even. I guess she’s finally embracing the whole Evil thing.”
“Always thought she took the Angel-in-Hell concept a bit too seriously.”
“Well, she’s Habbalite. If we bothered to ask, she’d probably have some divine excuse to explain music choice.”
“God sent me here to punish all the weak sinners. So, here’s some Disco for you all to ‘enjoy’ in my absence.”
“With that Discord, she has to find some other way to Punish us when we dig through her shit.”
“Oh, those poor people! I can’t resonate them. They might feel bad!”
“Why do you think she’s got assigned to that job? She’d be useless for anything else.”
“Data Entry? Target Practice? Scrubbing toilets?”
“A Gremlin could do those jobs.”
“Exactly.”
—
Hey, Chantal!
Hey, Dingbat!
Have you ever wanted to relive history? Undergo the great migration of a soon-to-be Demon Prince and his posse from the depths of Kronos’s Archives out to the wastelands of Hell.
Of course, because I am a hopeless nerd exactly like our listeners out in Tartarus!
That’s great because now you can! And if you are a nerd exactly like our listeners in Tartarus, you’ll appreciate the full 16-color graphics and MIDI sound effects.
The Organ Trail. Coming February for the Vapulore 64. Get it ahead of the bloodrush.
—
“I swear to Lucifer I saw it in here. Pentagram-head screwdriver, suitable for 5/9 inch screws.”
“Maybe someone got to it before you.”
“Who else do you think would need that particular combination?”
“It’s more common than you think.”
“Rude of them.”
“Whatever, we can let that person deal with the printer.”
“And what about the blood spurting out on the carpet?”
“Not our problem. Let the janitor take care of that.”
—
We are giving away two concert tickets to the fifteenth caller to see Le Freak featuring Infernal Carport and The Scammps at Studio Dynomite right here in downtown Perdition! You do not want to miss out on this, folks! It’ll be a show for the ages!
Tickets are non-transferable. Winner must be at least seven forces and be in good standing with their Prince. Winner is responsible for all transportation costs and procurement of all necessary border permits. NDKO does not guarantee that the acts mentioned on the tickets will be the acts that show up at the venue. NDKO takes no responsibility for any damages to health or property. We especially take no responsibility if your tickets wind up getting taken from you by three gremlins in a trenchcoat.
—
“Owww…wowowoow.”
“Stupid. Five forces means you can’t fly anymore.”
“You PUSHED me out of the air vents!”
“Oops.”
“ONTO the Shocky-box!”
“Oops.”
“Oops?”
“Oops.”
“So this has nothing to do with the incident with the pizza and the back-up generator?”
“Nothing at all, Dingus. I got the anchovy smell out of my fur eventually. And it’s not my problem if they mark you for having Calabite tendencies.”
“I do not have Calabite tendencies!”
“You better not. Now, shut up and help me with this.”
—
Have your documentation ready, and let’s hope your forgeries are good ones! Smuggling rumors at the Stygia-Shal Mari Border are causing crossings to take extra time this week. Delays of up to twelve hours could be expected. I hope our listeners stuck in line have fresh batteries for their radios! Seriously guys, we need the ratings.
In Tartarus, a derailment on the D line has left seventeen dead and forty-nine injured. Lingering explosions are keeping the tracks closed for the foreseeable future. So, anyone heading into any of the District 12 sectors will need to find an alternate route. Or maybe look into getting yourself a car, if you’re still relying on public transportation. Losers.
Ahem.
Speaking of cars, construction work on the new Cocytus bridge on the Genius Prince Vapula expressway continues to reroute traffic onto local roads and the IP29. Better hope you left early. Or that your supervisor doesn’t eat the tardy. If you can’t figure out how to get to work on time, maybe you deserve to be part of your Prince’s next experiment.
This has been Kip Kipling with the latest traffic report. Next up, we have Hot Goss with Susie Q. Susie!
Enough with that boring traffic report Kip, let’s get back to the hot goss. My sources tell me that one very charismatic Baroness of the Media was seen walking around with a smoking-hot new Lilim on her arm. Want to find out more? I’ll tell you right after this commercial break.
(Just kidding Kip, of course we love you.)
—
“Why would a recording device need essence?”
“Wait, what?”
“There’s essence in there. Take my glasses. Look. See that?”
“Huh. You’re right. Didn’t you take that reliquary from her after that one incident interfered with your experiment?”
“I did. She must have gotten a new one. Pass those back would you?”
“Whatever?”
“So, now the question is how good is her power source? Looking at the case, it could go either way, depending on how much of it is dedicated to holding the battery. Assuming decent engineering on that Habbie’s part, and the inclusion of several features, it could have an acceptable Essence Density by Volume.”
“EDV isn’t everything.”
“Of course it’s not! There’s also EDM, Optimal and Compressive Capacity, Recovery Rate, Bleedthrough—”
“Yes. Yes. I passed my Essential Engineering class too. It’s probably pretty terrible. She’s only using it to power a recording device.”
“That doesn’t mean anything. Remember Raul’s booklight?”
“Was that one that was powered by a miniature nuclear reactor? Or the one powered by hellfire fumes?”
“The first.”
“Ah. Never could keep the explosions straight.”
“So there might just be a good, strong power source in there. It would be a shame not to put it to better us—owwww!”
“What about that?”
“Oh, that’s simple! All we need to do is disrupt the electrical field, disable it, and open up the outer shell. Then, we can get our hands on the power source.”
“But I don’t have hands.”
“Or claws. Whatever. Now we just need to figure out an opportune time to work at it when no one else can interfere. When’s the next Game audit?”
“Not for a while yet.”
“Pity.”
—
That song was ‘Hot Stuff’ by the Sheol sensation the BBQ band. Or were they Haagentian? I’m sure one of you geeks will call our producer and let it know. The song before that was “It’s Raining Goats” by the Weather Ghouls. Always a crowd favorite!
Coming up after the commercial break, we have another great hour of music heading your way featuring Sister Sledgehammer, Gorier Gaylord, Bony Em and more! Stay tuned!
—
“Look, the lasers are working as intended from an explosion standpoint. I’m just having a problem with the sound effects.”
“Sound effects?”
“There’s a specific sound that laser beams are supposed to make, and these don’t. They’re just silent. It’s right there in the requirements.”
“Maybe convince your patron that the silent lasers are better. It’s more stealthy, anyway?”
“Forget stealth. It needs to be cool! And terrifying! What’s the point of a laser that doesn’t go ‘pew pew pew’?”
“Yes, but in space? Where there’s a vacuum?”
“What difference does that make?”
“Oh, forget it.”
—
Shelly, can you tell us more about your experience as the first Shedite centerfold for Firefeather magazine?
Oh, it was great. Of course, I was really nervous when I first walked into the studio for my shoot—that’s photoshoot for those of you not in the industry—but everyone was so, so friendly, and I had no problem baring it all. It was a blast, and everyone on set ended up having a lot of fun.
So tell us, what exactly does a Shedite bare for Perdition’s premiere porno mag?
I can show you that right here, Mik!
That’s um…that’s definitely a lot of tentacles! Dingbat, make sure we get the footage for our Majik Mikateers!
Remember for the low, low price of two Essence a month you can be a Majik Mikateer and get all of our best extras mailed directly to you! Exclusive outtakes with our special guests. Dingbat’s signature parodies! Interviews with your favorite NDKO dee-jays! You receive something new every month!
Well, almost every month! When our producer gets around to it.
—
“Give me a paw would you, Tank?”
“Oof. You sure this is worth it?”
“I bet we can get a good price for it.”
“Not that good a price if they’re storing it here.”
“Well, then we’ll trade it up. Like that one imp who found a pushpin and then managed to swap it for a hex screw which it then traded for a miniature ball-peen hammer. Eventually it got itself a fully working mecha body.”
“Yeah, and then had it taken away.”
“Whatever. We’ll get a better price for this than anything we can pull out of the scrap heap. It’s safer too. You remember what happened to Squiggle?”
“Who?”
“Never mind. It was funny. For me, not for it.”
“What was it? Tell me!”
“You lack the ethereal forces to appreciate it.”
“I have TWO ethereal forces, same as you.”
“Oh fine. I’m a bit fuzzy on the details, but it involved a carburetor, a model of a dihydrogen monoxide molecule, and an magnetic imaging doohickey.”
“Oh, I remember now. Didn’t the pile just collapse on it?”
“Hmmmph, I knew you wouldn’t appreciate the humor. Now let’s get out of here before someone comes in and catches us.”
—
Those of you made under the sign of the Serpent, watch out for flying objects in your future. Impending doom might just come with a hidden opportunity, so keep your head up and stay optimistic. Don’t be afraid to venture out of your comfort zone!
Now for those of you made under the Tower, you’ll want to avoid caffeinated beverages this week. Those jitters won’t do you any good when an unexpected situation arises. Take some time out to relax and recover.
Temptresses should be careful with finances. If you’re saving that Essence up for something special, keep your eyes on that goal. Avoid Impudites and impulse purchases—Wait who am I kidding? You need to spend all your essence on today’s sponsor:
Soul-Ban Sunglasses! The hottest shades this side of Sheol! Now available in seventy-five unique colors! Collect them all!
—
“Yet another case of tracking sensors ruined. What is this? The third set in three years?”
“Yes. That’s what happens when you store delicate electronic equipment in the same room as the Paper Shredder.”
“When’s the Djinn going to get tired of it?”
“Not soon enough. It’s been YEARS.”
“It’s not even all that useful. We could just use the incinerator for document disposal. We don’t need a Cal—one of those around.”
“Do you want make the official complaint and try and get it past Tizzy? Because I’m not reporting it in.”
“Too much paperwork.”
“Then SHUT UP about it!”
—
This portion of The Majik Mik Morning Musick Show is brought to you by I Can’t Believe It’s Almost Coffee! The crunch is the flavor crystals! The pop puts the pep in your step! Ask for it by name wherever hot beverages are sold.
Crunch! Crunch! Crunch! Pop! Pop! Pop! Just one sip and you won’t stop!
—
“There it is! The recording device with the huge battery.”
“Not being a nerd, I’ll take your word about the battery. Has anyone picked up any of the actual recordings yet? Now those might be interesting.”
“There were rumors going around about the Game confiscating a box of tapes during their last audit but nothing more since. Might not have been anything too incriminating on them.”
“Or maybe they’re just holding on to it for a more opportune time.”
“Or they didn’t think she was worth squeezing for a bribe. Everyone knows that’s what those ‘Game Audits’ are all about, and she can barely hold on to the tools she has.”
“Speaking of, would you come over and help me get this drawer unlocked? Someone Needs this screwdriver. And on your way over, turn off that blessed radio. For Lilith’s sake, who thinks disco is appropriate choice of music for a Technology facility?”
“It’s kind of catchy though. And I mean disco…disco-tech…the connection is there. Why isn’t it more popular in Tartarus?”
“Please, don’t start.”
“Do you remember? Something, something night of Dismember….”
“Please, stop.”
“And here I thought Lilim were supposed to be fun. What are you going to do? Invoke a Geas?”
“Considering how many favors you still owe me for the Five Mile Incident, I just might. Now search the back corner and see if you can find any of the actual recordings.”
—
Tchk-tchk-tchk-thck. Tchk-tchk-tchk-thck. Tchk-tchk-tchk-thck.
“Huh? I think that recording device picking up a stray signal.”
“I swear, if that Punisher’s shitty engineering interferes with the remote targeting of my blenderbot I will—”
Tchk-tchk-tchk-thck. Tchk-tchk-tchk-thck. Tchk-tchk-tchk-thck.
“Give it a good whack. Always works for me.”
“Ah! Fuck that electrical field is annoying.”
“It shut up though.”
—
“Be quick about it. Mariah’s going to be back soon.”
“Already? It’s only been a month! And not even an emergency! Is she still trying to prove that she’s competent enough to earn herself a better assignment?”
“Like that would ever happen. No, I mean, someone saw her in the Central Lab a few days ago.”
“Oh, there. Well then, there no point in rushing. She'll probably be there awhile.”
“Or it could be in the next fifteen minutes. We don’t know.”
“So it goes. It’ll be interesting to see how Tizzy reacts when Mariah delivers her report.”
“Will it though? Tizzy isn’t going to throw away an assistant if it means she actually has to do the work herself. I bet there’s going to just be some grumbling, and then maybe a few months of printer maintenance.”
“Point.”
“Anyway, keep a lookout on that door will you. And maybe turn that radio on so no one can overhear us.”
—
Well, that about wraps our show up for today. This is been DJ Majick Mik reminding you on behalf of our team here at NDKO to keep it disco. We’ll see you tomorrow. Same groovy time. Same groovy place.