Chapter Text
“That was supposed to be a simple task. Resonate Tizzy’s Habbie into a state where she would be desperate for help.”
“Habbalite. And we did that. You cannot say the broken one wasn’t absolutely humiliated by the time we were done with her.”
“She was practically cowering from the janitor imps. That was some well-applied resonance.”
“Not that you’d be in any position to tell.”
“We did exactly what was required by the Geas. It’s satisfied now.”
“You’ve satisfied one Geas. One. Low level. Geas. What you did not do was get me the result I need.”
“Are you our manager? Or higher? I don’t think so.”
“Not our assembly line.”
“Not our robot monkeys.”
“That one’s as weak as your average human. If you can’t convince her to accept a favor from you without help, then perhaps that’s a flaw on your part.”
“I hear the Media does seminars. ‘How to Fake Friends and Influence People.’ You could attend one.”
“I’ll keep that in mind. Just you might want keep in mind how many more incidents you still owe me for and how might you prefer those debts not to be called in.”
“You make a decent point.”
“For a demon.”
—
Hey you! Yes, you.
Do you love Disco music? (Of course you do!)
Do you love partying from sunset to sunset? (Who doesn’t?)
If so, then do we have an event for you!
Disco Conflagration at Perdition Nights sponsored by Nybbas, dread Prince of the Media himself! All the best acts and coolest cats will be there!
You won’t want to miss out on this one! We’ve got disco acts from all across Hell coming together for one explosive fest of disco dancing and musical mayhem! It’ll be the party of the decade! And NDKO will be giving away tickets by the dozen! Just sign up for our newsletter and you will be automatically entered to win!
Void where prohibited. Winners are responsible for securing their own transit permits. NDKO claims no responsibility for any loss of hearing, sanity, or life as a result of winners’ attendance at this festival.
—
“The lack of progress on your end has been…concerning to say the least.”
“Preparations are still being made. There’s not much I can do here while the Punisher is out doing…whatever she does.”
“You tell yourself that, but procrastination makes for a poor play strategy. You had the perfect opportunity land in your lap when that Habbalite hit Trauma, yet you failed to take advantage of it. Now, you’re stuck waiting.”
“There will be more opportunities.”
“Perhaps there will be. You may even be competent enough to take advantage of them. Perhaps the question is whether you can successfully do so without attracting suspicion.”
“Why should it? We temps Geas employees here all the time. What are you planning on doing with that hook that I should worry about attracting suspicion?”
“Nothing that would be traced back to you, of course. It’s simply that you can’t afford to have any more suspicion cast on you, can you? Not when your previous side-dealings come to light. Think about what the director of this facility might do if he found out. Or worse, the Prince himself.”
“That’s not your concern.”
“You’re right, it’s not. My concern is that you get us a usable hook on that little Habbalite before the next audit begins. Discreetly, if at all possible. Do you understand?”
“Of course. You’ll have your hook.”
—
This just in folks! Robby the Wonder Imp is making an appearance and signing autographs at El Diablo Records at the Palisade Mall right now! He’ll only be here from three to six p.m. today, so run! Don’t walk! You don’t want to miss out on this chance of a lifetime!
—
“Did you hear, the Robodrome secured Beepo Beepboop as the featured battler in the Robot Wars Fall Tournament!”
“Really? The invincible and legendary Beepo Beepboop?! The robot who won over three-hundred consecutive battles last year?!”
“The one and only.”
“Wow. So we really want Blenderbot to do its best.”
“Yes, which is why we need more blades. Check the other drawer would you? All I see in this one are crystals.”
—
Tech-savvy Demons in search of batteries may want to be aware of the Ener-Tech V3000 Batteries. Numerous consumers have reported complaints of ‘bee attacks’ after turning on devices powered by these aforementioned batteries, with large swarms being reported by particularly large clusters of batteries. Current estimates set the number of bee-attery assaults to be between 300 and 6000. No casualties have been confirmed yet, but we’ll keep our fingers crossed.
When asked whether a recall would be issued, the representative from the Vapulan Product Safety Commission simply said: ‘Buyer beware’.
Ener-Tech did not respond to NDKO News’s request for comment.
—
“As I was saying, my problem with Swampbert right now is that the essence requirements are going way above the max capacity of my current power sources. And that’s before figuring in the output requirements for the laser cannon. Now, if I sacrifice the waterproofing around the central control system, that’ll save a little bit of energy…but that still leaves me significantly short.”
“The problem is that you spend all your corporeal time in Florida, and that place is clearly rubbing off on you. No one needs an alligator robot with a laser cannon mounted on its back.”
“Of course you wouldn’t understand. You’re not even part of Technology. But what even someone like you should be able to grok is that that right there is a huge reliquary and, clearly, it needs to be put to better use.”
“Huh? Are you sure? It looks like an ordinary tape player to me.”
“Ordinary tape players don’t have essence, and a lot of it, sitting right there. I can see it. And everyone here knows how much essence that Punisher needs just to resonate anyone, so it makes sense that she’d keep a reliquary on hand. What else could it be?”
“That’s not any of my business.”
“Well, I suppose given her budget, it could just be two or three Spirit Batteries hooked up to power an ordinary little relic. In which case I can take the relic, dismantle it for parts, and salvage the reliquary slash spirit batteries slash whatever is in there powering the device and use it for Swampbert. And I would—owww!—except for that.”
“Maybe. But I have a better idea. Whatever that box is, that Habbalite is obsessed with it. We can exploit that Need, and you’ll get more than just a few cheap components out of it.”
“Or I can just take it apart now—ow!—after I disable the security mechanism.”
“Or you can leave it for now and give me a chance see what Geases I can extract from her first. Once that’s done, I can make her give you the box, all the nasty traps dismantled. No need to electrocute yourself.”
“One problem with that. I leave that situation owing you. Whereas if I just take it right now, it’ll be weeks before she’s even in a position to find out. And what is she going to do? Resonate me? Unlikely. Where’s she going to get essence from?”
Bzzzt. Bzzzt.
“Ow! Lucifer almighty! Fuck. That’s some current.”
“You wouldn’t necessarily owe me. Sure, I could just Geas her to hand her device over to you with all defenses removed, and you’d have your extra energy source. In which case, yes, you would owe me a little bitty favor. But that’s not the only way to play it.”
“What do you mean?”
“If I were somehow able to use this situation to get a larger Geas on her, I would owe you an equally large favor. Say, continual project support and extra supply procurement.”
“Hmm. I admit that’s tempting what with all the development and testing left to do before the tournament. But…it still might be better just to take it now and figure out how to open it later. Insulating gloves might help.”
“If gloves worked, someone else would have taken it by now. I suggest you leave it be, and let me take care of this. You’ll either get your power source—without the extra electrocution risk—or I’ll owe you a major favor.”
“Okay, okay. Fine. You can try it your way.”
“That’s all I ask.”
—
Heartwarming! This damned soul has just made friends with Stompy the Salvage Bot. We’re on the scene now as Stompy leans in to hug its new—oh—oh—hold on a minute, folks! It looks like Stompy has just picked up its friend! Its now waving him around in the air like underwear up a flagpole. Diego! Get a camera on this! Our television audience won’t want to miss this!
Wow! Tartarus may just have a brand new unaided flight distance record folks! Shame about the wasted Essence capacity! But that’s the price of unconventional friendships!
Oh what’s this! Stompy’s just turned its attention to another couple of damned souls. We may have a full-fledged rampage on our hands, folks! How exciting!
I hope you’ve enjoyed that little sneak peak at next hour’s top news story! Remember, if it bleeds, it leads!
—
“What if it’s not a recording device?”
“What?”
“What if it’s secretly something else? She seems too attached to it for it to be just some regular piece of equipment.”
“Everyone gets attached to their inventions. That’s normal.”
“Yes, but it’s just a box. It doesn’t even fire lasers.”
“Not everything needs to fire lasers.”
“Everything needs to fire lasers! Unless there’s nukes.”
“Not everything needs to be a secret weapon.”
“Well, what else could it be, her imaginary friend?”
“It could be, like, an AI or something. Like, one of those droid-thingies.”
“Yes, but most ‘droid-thingies’ have some kind of cute shape. This is just a box, and not even a proper cube shape.”
“It’s a friend box!”
“A friend box? What the fuck would that do?”
“It wouldn’t have to do anything. It’s a box. That’s also a friend. Friend Box.”
“Friend Box? Like it doesn’t even maim anyone? What a stupid concept!”
“Hey! It could catch on.”
“Not with that name.”
“Fine. I’ll just let someone from Media deal with that bit after I get the prototype up and perfected. It’s a great concept. You’ll see.”
—
Just a reminder, Disco Fanatics: Disco Conflagration at Perdition Nights is only one month away!
Don’t be the square who missed out on this once-in-a-century event!
Secure your tickets today!
—
“You sure there’s no surveillance here?”
“Decently sure. Why do you ask?”
“Just an odd hunch. Do you remember when the broken one came down to get the replacement ribbon for the printer?”
“Oh yes. That was great! She had to beg for that replacement.”
“Well yes. But she seemed to be looking specifically for the ribbon you stole. Don’t you think that’s odd?”
“No. Even if that Lilim hadn’t invoked that Geas, I would had to have done something like that eventually. She’s been avoiding her fellow angels too much lately.”
“She’s weak.”
“Exactly. We can’t keep indulging her. And where would she have hidden the equipment?”
“Maybe that box over there. It does have a tape recorder.”
“Sure. But it’s definitely not running now. Plus, if she really were surveilling this room, she’d have enough blackmail material on half the company to get herself a better job.”
“Maybe she does, but she’s too dumb to realize. Or smart enough to realize that no one would listen to her if she tried to use it.”
“Good point. But no one’s around now. Do you really want to waste our time here talking?”
“Not really.”
—
We interrupt our regular disco grooves for this breaking news flash:
Lavinia Q—no relation to our very own gossip reporter—Lilim legend of stage and screen died just hours ago when her limousine crashed into a concrete pillar on the Highway to Perdition. While this event was just tragic—tragic I say!—her fans can at least take heart that she died a legend.
Better dead than a has-been. Isn’t that right, folks?
The leading role of Beatrize in The Infernal Comedy will be taken over by her understudy Dramatique until further notice. Let’s hope she fares better.
—
“Look, I’m stuck with this lab assistant until he gets his Band. But if I don’t pawn him off on someone else after that happens he’s going to ruin my career. He's already cost me that position in R&D and now I've been forced back into Marketing. Marketing! Do you know how embarrassing it is to report up to a Media servitor in Tartarus? He needs to be gone so I can get back to the real research.”
“Are you looking for me to arrange an accident?”
“Sadly, no. My acceptable employee loss ratio went above the threshold last quarter. What I want is for the little bugger to get reassigned once he fledges, and quickly.”
“I can talk with Tizzy, and see what I can do.”
“That Djinn?”
“I have a hunch she’ll be looking for a new assistant soon enough, and since corporeal work appears to be part of the job, you can even present it as a promotion of sorts.”
“Are you sure she’ll go for that? I wouldn’t trust him in an empty room unsupervised, much less on a different plane of existence.”
“All Tizzy requires in her assistants is a warm body and a casual disregard for self-preservation. She expects them to screw-up and fatally.”
“Is that what happened to the last one?”
“Think more future-tense, sweetheart.”
“Excuse me, I’m a nuclear psychiatrist, not a grammologist.”
“Grammarian.”
“Whatever.”
—
Tartarus Sector 15-H is in shambles today after a two-dozen Calabim rushed the gates demanding an opportunity to take up service under Technology. This herd of Destroyers took out more than fifty armed guards and dozens of security drones before a sniper squad was able to sedate them. Officials estimate that the property damage done in the meantime will take decades to fully repair.
You’re a Destroyer, Dingbat. What do you think? Should Calabim get a chance to join Technology or no?
…ksssh…ksshh…ksssh…ksshh….
Bear with us, folks. Dingbat is experiencing some technical difficulties with his microphone.
—
“Thetan says it saw another Calabite get escorted out of the gift shop the other day.”
“Hmmph.”
“Another Calabite? You mean there’s more than one? Isn’t the Paper Shredder enough?”
“The Paper Shredder is one too many, if you ask me.”
“Agreed.”
“Hey, where are all these Calabim coming from, anyway? I was told this facility wasn’t licensed to deal with them. I wouldn’t have joined otherwise.”
“Who cares?”
“Well, of course you wouldn’t. But you think it’s curious, right, Kazbi?”
“It’s simply fascinating, just not enough to ask those kinds questions where someone might hear it.”
“By ‘someone’ you mean Tizzy.”
“Tizzy, the Facility Director, anyone who reports directly back to the Mad Genius…we’re here to find the supplies that will help get us to the final round of Robot Wars. Not to unravel whatever illegal Calabite problem this facility has. I bet Thetan just made the story about the Calabite up just to distract us.”
“Hmmph.”
“Exactly. Couldn’t have said it better myself. Now where did she hide that screwdriver this time...”
—
Over at Tartarus-Perdition border, an imp, a gremlin and a rocket scientist were caught in an attempted escape run. PR representatives from Technology say the captured fugitives will be contributing great advances in the field of rocket surgery. Footage from the experiments will be broadcast on TBC 6 at a later date. Stay-tuned for further details.
—
“You have a progress report to give me. I don’t imagine you’d waste my time otherwise.”
“Everything has been set up to get that hook you Need. Contingency plans are in place. No one should suspect anything.”
“What of the supervisor? Has she been convinced to let go of her protection.”
“I was able to work out an arrangement with someone else. The supervisor will be convinced to keep her assistant here during the next audit.”
“Good. Good. And, Brenda, you shouldn’t be be so worried. Just do what your Geas requires, and everything will be just fine.”
“Yes, of course it will. I’m not worried at all.”
—
We’re live here at the main stage of Disco Conflagration here at Perdition Nights right at the heart of the city! The opening act of the opening night is due to get on stage in just under an hour and let me tell you, this place is already packed full! We have demons here from all across Hell and the party is already started!
All the big names are here. ZeeBeez, Sister Sledgehammer, The Ultimates featuring Briana Boss, Hipps Inc, The Scammps, Le Freak, Chakra Con, The Hades People and more! We’ll have more surprise guests than a Firebug can throw a stick of dynamite at!
Whew. That was a close one there. Not only do we have a Disco explosion here. We have plenty of regular explosions as well!
If you missed out on the pre-orders, remember tickets are still available at the gate for the bargain price 10 Essence each! Sure it may be more than most of you can carry, but this is going to be the Disco event of the millennium! Plus, everyone gets a free drink ticket! Are you a real Disco fan or are you just a Disco dilettante?! Or maybe even a complete square?! You can’t afford to miss out! Take out a loan folks! It’ll be worth it!
Back to you at the studio, Chantal.
Thank you, Susie. We’ll be covering this event live all throughout the festival, and you won’t want to miss a moment! And now it’s time for a song from our sponsors…