Chapter Text
Four years.
That’s how long our arrangement as roommates was supposed to last.
During that time, which felt like it had lasted a lifetime and also had vanished in the blink of an eye, we’d manage to stretch the definitions of roommates to their breaking point. We’d ended up redefining ourselves as something beyond roommates
But that was as far as it had gone.
And now, the end was here.
My graduation ceremony.
Each step on my way home felt like trudging through the murk of a poisonous swamp.
My brain had been full of static all morning. Or maybe it was like that for months now. Entire days passed by in an instant, the precious time we could still enjoy together, that I should have been cherishing to the fullest, slipped through my fingers like water.
I couldn’t remember any of the speeches they’d given during the ceremony.
I couldn’t remember Maika’s words of congratulations.
I couldn’t remember the messages I’d gotten from Mio, and Ami.
All I could think about was the fact that I would be walking home from university for the last time.
That I would be walking up to the door of our apartment for the last time.
That I would see Sendai for the last time, and say goodbye.
… Perhaps even that was too optimistic.
Sendai’s graduation ceremony had taken place today as well, a little bit earlier than mine. We weren’t able to attend each other’s ceremonies.
But it was possible that she’d already gotten home, and already packed her bags and left without a word.
But Sendai wouldn’t do that. She was mine, until the end. She would at least see me off properly.
But Sendai was a liar, who broke her promises.
But she had been making herself more and more trustworthy, over the years. She’d put in a real effort, to be more open, and honest. She’d found interests of her own, and stopped saying ‘I like what Miyagi likes.’ so often.
But that was why this all needed to end.
There was a part of me, deep down, that hoped there would be something else. I’d been ready for our arrangement to end, four years ago. On a day much like today, I’d walked home from highschool for the final time. I was prepared to go our separate ways.
Sendai had offered a choice. An alternative.
Was it possible she would do so again?
Could miracles really happen?
“Oh.”
When I rounded the corner, I saw the tortoiseshell cat sitting on top of a nearby garbage bin. She saw me, and yawned loudly.
“Mike-chan.”
Sendai liked this cat. She often compared me to a cat.
I took a tentative step forward, holding out my hand.
To my utter surprise, Mike-chan rubbed her head against it, purring loudly.
Not once in the four years I’d been living here had Mike-chan ever let me pet her.
Maybe this was her way of saying goodbye.
As quickly as she’d approached me, she turned and hopped off the bin, walking away.
A fleeting connection, there one moment, gone the next.
Except before Mike-chan rounded the corner into an alleyway, she turned and looked back at me, as if she wanted me to follow.
Broken out of the static in my brain for now, I entered the alleyway.
“Cute!”
The sight in front of me was unbelievable, and I couldn’t help my exclamation.
Four kittens huddled together in a pile, mewing softly. Mike-chan curled up on top of them, and then looked up at me. It seemed as if she was very pleased with herself. As if to say ‘I did this. These are mine.’
Sendai, who saw Mike-chan way more than I did, and was allowed to pet her regularly, had never once mentioned seeing kittens.
There’s no way she would be able to keep such a thing a secret.She would tell everyone she knew about Mike-chan and her kittens, and take so many photos.
So that meant I was the first to know.
I pulled my phone out, and lined up Mike-chan in the center, already picturing how Sendai would look when I showed her.
My hands froze, unable to take the photo.
There would be no opportunity after this, to show Sendai.
I had a slim hope that Sendai would make a miracle happen. That she would redefine our relationship once again, in a way that kept us bound together.
… No. That wasn’t right. I knew she would.
Sendai will certainly perform a miracle.
She’s been saying it this entire time. That she wants things to continue past graduation. That she belongs to me. She’s made promises to celebrate our birthdays together, over and over again for the rest of our lives.
I didn’t believe her.
No.
I didn’t want to believe her.
No.
I couldn’t allow it to be true.
Because if it is true. If Sendai does mean all of the things that she’s said. If she does intend to keep her promises…
Then it means that she’d be making the biggest mistake of her entire life.
Four years ago, I clung to the label of roommates, because I was weak and needy. I didn’t want Sendai to leave me. I wanted her by my side. I wanted to lock her in a room and chain her to the bed and never let her out of my sight.
And I watched my neediness destroy her.
I watched her become an empty shell, dedicated to pleasing me, to making me happy, to like what I liked, to be owned by me. With nothing inside her but a mirror to reflect my own darkest desires.
I’d watched her get better, bit by bit. I’d watched her pull herself out of my swamp, become a real person again. She hung out with Mio and Maika properly. She talked about other friends she’d made at school. She got other part time jobs that she enjoyed. She talked about the jobs she would be applying to once she graduated.
She had a bright, shining future ahead of her.
I hated every minute of it.
I wanted her to be mine and mine alone, for her eyes to only see me, to never let anyone else into her heart.
If this arrangement continued beyond graduation, then I would surely drag her down into hell again with me. Like Izanami, I am cursed, rotting and covered in maggots. Sendai should keep looking forward, and not look back into the underworld. Or else she will be cursed too. Leave me behind, and seal me in my tomb.
I blinked, and found myself standing in front of our apartment. I didn’t remember leaving Mike-chan behind, or the time I spent walking here. My vision was dark and cloudy. My hands were shaking. Sweat poured down my back, and my breaths came in short, shallow gasps.
I opened the door, and stepped inside. Sendai’s shoes were in the entryway.
“I’m home,” I called out, for the 1472nd and final time.
“Welcome back,” Sendai’s voice greeted me from the kitchen.
I took a few steps past the entryway, and then froze when I saw Sendai.
She stood by the kitchen table, a smile on her face, her hands clasped in front of her. She had on a lacy white blouse, and a lacy white skirt, and a white ribbon tied in her hair. The only splash of color on her was the blue of her earrings, that marked her as mine, and the clover necklace, that marked her as mine.
It looked like
she was wearing
a wedding dress.
“Congratulations.”
“Congratulations.”
“Miyagi. There’s something I need to tell you.”
Her expression was strange. Something strange in her eyes, in her smile. It wasn’t the usual Sendai.
It was hard for me to breathe. Every nerve in my body felt like it was going to split apart and run away in different directions.
“I don’t want to hear it,” I said, and tried to push past her, to get to my room. I needed to pack. This needed to be over.
“Miyagi!” Sendai’s hand grabbed my wrist. Her tone of voice was strange. Firm. Commanding. It didn’t sound like Sendai.
“I need you to listen to me today.”
“I don’t want to.” I tried to jerk my hand away, but she held on fast. “It hurts.”
“Miyagi,” she said again, and her tone offered no room for argument. I’d never seen Sendai this serious before.
I bit my words back, trembling.
“Our arrangement was four years until we graduated. That’s today. So all previous agreements and promises are null and void.”
Her words slithered through me, crushing my heart in an iron vice.
This would be for the best.
“So I need you to listen to what I have to say, until the end, with no interruptions. Please try and understand that what I’m about to say is one hundred percent serious. This isn’t a joke, or a trick, or a lie. After you listen to me, then you can make a choice.”
This is how it always goes. Sendai says she’ll do what I want, but then forces me to make the choice. Even though she’s the one who creates the choices.
I don’t trust my words. All I can do is nod ever so slightly.
Sendai let out a shaky breath, closed her eyes for a few moments, then opened them again, her face burning with determination.
“Miyagi. Close your eyes.”
“Huh? No, you’re going to do something weird.”
“I am going to do something weird. Deal with it. Close your eyes, don’t open them till I tell you to, and listen to what I have to say properly.”
“...Pervert,” I mumbled under my breath.
Instead of offering a retort, she simply smiled. “Close your eyes, Miyagi.”
I did so, and the sound of my own heartbeat pounded through my ears.
There was a rustling from nearby, and then Sendai took my left hand in hers. I felt her lips brush against the back of my knuckles, and I shivered, but I did what I had been told, and kept my eyes closed.
Then she pulled my ring finger into her mouth. It was wet, and warm, and slimy. I felt something hard against the base of my finger, as her teeth clamped down on—
No, that wasn’t right. It wasn’t her teeth.
Sendai’s mouth pulled back, and my finger was wiped clean with a tissue. She held the tips of my fingers with her own. There was something hard and cold at the base of my ring finger.
“Okay. You can look now”
I didn’t want to look.
I was afraid to look.
I looked.
Sendai was kneeling before me, her hands holding mine, her gaze locked to me, her eyes brimming with tears. There was a simple gold band adorning my ring finger.
“Shori,” Sendai said, and nearly choked on her words. Her voice was shaky, and tears slipped down her cheeks, but she continued. “I love you. More than anything else in the world. I have for so, so long, all this time by your side. Whatever you say, however you feel, know that I will always be yours. Mind, heart, body, and soul, I am yours, forever and always.”
This was it. Sendai’s miracle.
“I want you to be mine, too, Shori. I want you to stay by my side. I want us to live our lives, together, forever. Until the day we die, and into whatever life comes beyond that as well. I want an agreement with you that will never, ever end.”
Sendai sniffed, her hands trembling as they held mine, a bit of snot ruining her perfect face.
“I love you, Shiori. Marry me, and we’ll face everything that comes next together.”
Love. Marriage. Sendai finally put a name to the feeling that entwined both of us together, spoke it into existence.
I wasn’t an idiot.
Okay, maybe I was. It was something I had avoided thinking about for years. But I knew it was there, deep down.
I knew it in my own heart.
And I knew it in hers.
But I couldn’t let it exist.
A part of me wanted it, badly. More than anything, I wanted to get on my knees, embrace her, pull her so close that we could meld together, tell Hazuki that I loved her too, that of course we’d spend the rest of our lives together. She was mine, and I was hers.
The part of me that wanted that was pathetic. Desperate. Needy.
Sendai was a beautiful white flame, full of life and spark and passion. A flame that would scour me to the bone, burn away everything I tried to put out into the world and reveal me for the disgusting little worm I was. Being with me had nearly extinguished that flame, once. Now that it burned bright again, I could never let it dim, even a little.
Sendai had certainly performed a miracle.
And I certainly could not let it occur.
My mouth was dry. My vision was blurring. My heart pounded in my chest like it wanted to escape. I couldn’t breathe.
I couldn’t breathe.
I couldn’t breathe.
“S-shiori?” Sendai’s voice was small, quiet, and afraid.
I couldn’t face this. I couldn’t face her. I had to go. This had to stop. That was our agreement. This is where we would stop.
I pulled my hand out of her grip, and took several stumbling steps backwards.
“Shiori!?” Sendai lunged for me, but I dodged away.
My hands shaking so badly I couldn’t control them, I fumbled several times before pulling the ring off of my finger and letting it clatter to the ground.
I knew the panic and pain in Sendai’s eyes would haunt me for the rest of my life.
“Wait, Shiori!” Sendai scrambled forwards, clasping the discarded ring in her hands. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry! That was too much. I knew it was too much. Don’t go, we can talk about it, figure something out, just please, don’t go!”
Every word of hers was a needle inserted into my soul, acupuncture of well deserved agony. I’d never seen her this desperate before.
I couldn’t stay. I couldn’t breathe. I needed to get out of here.
I turned away, unable to look at her anymore, her sobs deep and desperate behind me. It was only a few steps to the entryway. I slipped my shoes on, and left her behind, forever.
I didn’t want our world to end.
But it had to.
