Sunset ^beta

Chapter Text

Four years.

That’s how long our arrangement as roommates was supposed to last.

During that time, which felt like it had lasted a lifetime and also had vanished in the blink of an eye, we’d manage to stretch the definitions of roommates to their breaking point. We’d ended up redefining ourselves as something beyond roommates

But that was as far as it had gone.

And now, the end was here.

My graduation ceremony.

Each step on my way home felt like trudging through the murk of a poisonous swamp.

My brain had been full of static all morning. Or maybe it was like that for months now. Entire days passed by in an instant, the precious time we could still enjoy together, that I should have been cherishing to the fullest, slipped through my fingers like water.

I couldn’t remember any of the speeches they’d given during the ceremony.

I couldn’t remember Maika’s words of congratulations.

I couldn’t remember the messages I’d gotten from Mio, and Ami.

All I could think about was the fact that I would be walking home from university for the last time.

That I would be walking up to the door of our apartment for the last time.

That I would see Sendai for the last time, and say goodbye.

… Perhaps even that was too optimistic.

Sendai’s graduation ceremony had taken place today as well, a little bit earlier than mine. We weren’t able to attend each other’s ceremonies.

But it was possible that she’d already gotten home, and already packed her bags and left without a word.

But Sendai wouldn’t do that. She was mine, until the end. She would at least see me off properly.

But Sendai was a liar, who broke her promises.

But she had been making herself more and more trustworthy, over the years. She’d put in a real effort, to be more open, and honest. She’d found interests of her own, and stopped saying ‘I like what Miyagi likes.’ so often.

But that was why this all needed to end.

There was a part of me, deep down, that hoped  there would be something else. I’d been ready for our arrangement to end, four years ago. On a day much like today, I’d walked home from highschool for the final time. I was prepared to go our separate ways.

Sendai had offered a choice. An alternative.

Was it possible she would do so again?

Could miracles really happen?

“Oh.”

When I rounded the corner, I saw the tortoiseshell cat sitting on top of a nearby garbage bin. She saw me, and yawned loudly.

“Mike-chan.”

Sendai liked this cat. She often compared me to a cat.

I took a tentative step forward, holding out my hand.

To my utter surprise, Mike-chan rubbed her head against it, purring loudly.

Not once in the four years I’d been living here had Mike-chan ever let me pet her.

Maybe this was her way of saying goodbye.

As quickly as she’d approached me, she turned and hopped off the bin, walking away.

A fleeting connection, there one moment, gone the next.

Except before Mike-chan rounded the corner into an alleyway, she turned and looked back at me, as if she wanted me to follow.

Broken out of the static in my brain for now, I entered the alleyway.

“Cute!”

The sight in front of me was unbelievable, and I couldn’t help my exclamation.

Four kittens huddled together in a pile, mewing softly. Mike-chan curled up on top of them, and then looked up at me. It seemed as if she was very pleased with herself. As if to say ‘I did this. These are mine.’

Sendai, who saw Mike-chan way more than I did, and was allowed to pet her regularly, had never once mentioned seeing kittens.

There’s no way she would be able to keep such a thing a secret.She would tell everyone she knew about Mike-chan and her kittens, and take so many photos.

So that meant I was the first to know.

I pulled my phone out, and lined up Mike-chan in the center, already picturing how Sendai would look when I showed her.

My hands froze, unable to take the photo.

There would be no opportunity after this, to show Sendai.

I had a slim hope that Sendai would make a miracle happen. That she would redefine our relationship once again, in a way that kept us bound together.

… No. That wasn’t right. I knew she would.

Sendai will certainly perform a miracle.

She’s been saying it this entire time. That she wants things to continue past graduation. That she belongs to me. She’s made promises to celebrate our birthdays together, over and over again for the rest of our lives.

I didn’t believe her.

No.

I didn’t want to believe her.

No.

I couldn’t allow it to be true.

Because if it is true. If Sendai does mean all of the things that she’s said. If she does intend to keep her promises…

Then it means that she’d be making the biggest mistake of her entire life.

Four years ago, I clung to the label of roommates, because I was weak and needy. I didn’t want Sendai to leave me. I wanted her by my side. I wanted to lock her in a room and chain her to the bed and never let her out of my sight.

And I watched my neediness destroy her.

I watched her become an empty shell, dedicated to pleasing me, to making me happy, to like what I liked, to be owned by me. With nothing inside her but a mirror to reflect my own darkest desires.

I’d watched her get better, bit by bit. I’d watched her pull herself out of my swamp, become a real person again. She hung out with Mio and Maika properly. She talked about other friends she’d made at school. She got other part time jobs that she enjoyed. She talked about the jobs she would be applying to once she graduated.

She had a bright, shining future ahead of her.

I hated every minute of it.

I wanted her to be mine and mine alone, for her eyes to only see me, to never let anyone else into her heart.

If this arrangement continued beyond graduation, then I would surely drag her down into hell again with me. Like Izanami, I am cursed, rotting and covered in maggots. Sendai should keep looking forward, and not look back into the underworld. Or else she will be cursed too. Leave me behind, and seal me in my tomb.

I blinked, and found myself standing in front of our apartment. I didn’t remember leaving Mike-chan behind, or the time I spent walking here. My vision was dark and cloudy. My hands were shaking. Sweat poured down my back, and my breaths came in short, shallow gasps.

I opened the door, and stepped inside. Sendai’s shoes were in the entryway.

“I’m home,” I called out, for the 1472nd and final time.

“Welcome back,” Sendai’s voice greeted me from the kitchen.

I took a few steps past the entryway, and then froze when I saw Sendai.

She stood by the kitchen table, a smile on her face, her hands clasped in front of her. She had on a lacy white blouse, and a lacy white skirt, and a white ribbon tied in her hair. The only splash of color on her was the blue of her earrings, that marked her as mine, and the clover necklace, that marked her as mine.

It looked like

she was wearing

a wedding dress.

“Congratulations.”

“Congratulations.”

“Miyagi. There’s something I need to tell you.”

Her expression was strange. Something strange in her eyes, in her smile. It wasn’t the usual Sendai.

It was hard for me to breathe. Every nerve in my body felt like it was going to split apart and run away in different directions.

“I don’t want to hear it,” I said, and tried to push past her, to get to my room. I needed to pack. This needed to be over.

“Miyagi!” Sendai’s hand grabbed my wrist. Her tone of voice was strange. Firm. Commanding. It didn’t sound like Sendai.

“I need you to listen to me today.”

“I don’t want to.” I tried to jerk my hand away, but she held on fast. “It hurts.”

“Miyagi,” she said again, and her tone offered no room for argument. I’d never seen Sendai this serious before.

I bit my words back, trembling.

“Our arrangement was four years until we graduated. That’s today. So all previous agreements and promises are null and void.”

Her words slithered through me, crushing my heart in an iron vice.

This would be for the best.

“So I need you to listen to what I have to say, until the end, with no interruptions. Please try and understand that what I’m about to say is one hundred percent serious. This isn’t a joke, or a trick, or a lie. After you listen to me, then you can make a choice.”

This is how it always goes. Sendai says she’ll do what I want, but then forces me to make the choice. Even though she’s the one who creates the choices.

I don’t trust my words. All I can do is nod ever so slightly.

Sendai let out a shaky breath, closed her eyes for a few moments, then opened them again, her face burning with determination.

“Miyagi. Close your eyes.”

“Huh? No, you’re going to do something weird.”

“I am going to do something weird. Deal with it. Close your eyes, don’t open them till I tell you to, and listen to what I have to say properly.”

“...Pervert,” I mumbled under my breath.

Instead of offering a retort, she simply smiled. “Close your eyes, Miyagi.”

I did so, and the sound of my own heartbeat pounded through my ears.

There was a rustling from nearby, and then Sendai took my left hand in hers. I felt her lips brush against the back of my knuckles, and I shivered, but I did what I had been told, and kept my eyes closed.

Then she pulled my ring finger into her mouth. It was wet, and warm, and slimy. I felt something hard against the base of my finger, as her teeth clamped down on—

No, that wasn’t right. It wasn’t her teeth.

Sendai’s mouth pulled back, and my finger was wiped clean with a tissue. She held the tips of my fingers with her own. There was something hard and cold at the base of my ring finger.

“Okay. You can look now”

I didn’t want to look.

I was afraid to look.

I looked.

Sendai was kneeling before me, her hands holding mine, her gaze locked to me, her eyes brimming with tears. There was a simple gold band adorning my ring finger.

“Shori,” Sendai said, and nearly choked on her words. Her voice was shaky, and tears slipped down her cheeks, but she continued. “I love you. More than anything else in the world. I have for so, so long, all this time by your side. Whatever you say, however you feel, know that I will always be yours. Mind, heart, body, and soul, I am yours, forever and always.”

This was it. Sendai’s miracle.

“I want you to be mine, too, Shori. I want you to stay by my side. I want us to live our lives, together, forever. Until the day we die, and into whatever life comes beyond that as well. I want an agreement with you that will never, ever end.”

Sendai sniffed, her hands trembling as they held mine, a bit of snot ruining her perfect face.

“I love you, Shiori. Marry me, and we’ll face everything that comes next together.”

Love. Marriage. Sendai finally put a name to the feeling that entwined both of us together, spoke it into existence.

I wasn’t an idiot.

Okay, maybe I was. It was something I had avoided thinking about for years. But I knew it was there, deep down.

I knew it in my own heart.

And I knew it in hers.

But I couldn’t let it exist.

A part of me wanted it, badly. More than anything, I wanted to get on my knees, embrace her, pull her so close that we could meld together, tell Hazuki that I loved her too, that of course we’d spend the rest of our lives together. She was mine, and I was hers.

The part of me that wanted that was pathetic. Desperate. Needy.

Sendai was a beautiful white flame, full of life and spark and passion. A flame that would scour me to the bone, burn away everything I tried to put out into the world and reveal me for the disgusting little worm I was. Being with me had nearly extinguished that flame, once. Now that it burned bright again, I could never let it dim, even a little.

Sendai had certainly performed a miracle.

And I certainly could not let it occur.

My mouth was dry. My vision was blurring. My heart pounded in my chest like it wanted to escape. I couldn’t breathe.

I couldn’t breathe.

I couldn’t breathe.

“S-shiori?” Sendai’s voice was small, quiet, and afraid.

I couldn’t face this. I couldn’t face her. I had to go. This had to stop. That was our agreement. This is where we would stop.

I pulled my hand out of her grip, and took several stumbling steps backwards.

“Shiori!?” Sendai lunged for me, but I dodged away.

My hands shaking so badly I couldn’t control them, I fumbled several times before pulling the ring off of my finger and letting it clatter to the ground.

I knew the panic and pain in Sendai’s eyes would haunt me for the rest of my life.

“Wait, Shiori!” Sendai scrambled forwards, clasping the discarded ring in her hands. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry! That was too much. I knew it was too much. Don’t go, we can talk about it, figure something out, just please, don’t go!”

Every word of hers was a needle inserted into my soul, acupuncture of well deserved agony. I’d never seen her this desperate before.

I couldn’t stay. I couldn’t breathe. I needed to get out of here.

I turned away, unable to look at her anymore, her sobs deep and desperate behind me. It was only a few steps to the entryway. I slipped my shoes on, and left her behind, forever.

I didn’t want our world to end.

But it had to.

Chapter Text

I didn’t know what pain really was, until today.

It hurt so, so much, deep inside my chest.

I wanted to tear open my ribcage, and expose my beating heart, to shrivel and dry up in the sun,  to be pecked apart by crows, to wither into ash. That seemed like a far more preferable fate.

I laid curled up in a ball on the kitchen floor, sobbing, my whole body shaking with the effort. Every attempt to try and control myself just resulted in me breaking down further, my muscles already exhausted and sore from the effort.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

I thought that she—

We’d come so far . Miyagi had changed so much over the past four years. She’d even started to smile for me, though it was still so much rarer than I would have preferred.

I’d spent so long agonizing over my own feelings for her. I’d come so close to telling her, so many times. I’d always been afraid of this, this rejection. That she wouldn’t believe me.

And, now, here in what I was sure would be the perfect moment, the last chance, I saw it in her eyes.

Miyagi trusted my words. Believed them.

And had been utterly horrified and disgusted with them.

If it had simply been a miscommunication, then maybe I could still hold onto some hope. That it could be fixed somehow, if I said the right things, could prove my sincerity.

But this? I’d offered her everything, and she didn’t want it.

She didn’t want me.

There was no coming back from that.

And so all I was left with was pain, and a gaping void inside of me that nothing would ever be able to fill.

“It hurts.”

“Miyagi, it hurts. How could you?”

I was her property, wasn’t I? She should treat her property better.

It didn’t make sense. I really thought that she felt the same as me. She’d demonstrated her care and concern and love for me in so many small ways. In everything but name we’d been a couple for years now.

Was the name really that hard of a thing to accept? Or maybe it was marriage. Was I too insane, too obsessed, to be jumping straight to marriage when we technically never dated? I thought… Miyagi liked promises, rules. Clearly defined relationships and boundaries. I thought that something so formal could help her conceptualize us in a way that made sense to her. Give her the assurance and security that it really would be forever.

I was such an idiot.

Stupid.

Stupid!

I don’t know how long I laid there on the floor, my mind spinning like a blender, chewing up any rational parts of my brain and spitting out a slurry of self loathing. I think at one point I passed out, for a bit.

But the funny thing was, that even when your whole world crumbled into ash before you, you still had to keep going.

My tears ran dry. My body became too exhausted to shake and sob any longer.

And I needed to pee.

For a brief moment, I just considered lying here in a puddle of my own filth until I starved to death.

But that was too pathetic, even for me.

Summoning my last remaining scraps of willpower, I pushed myself to my feet, my entire body aching.

I shuffled to the bathroom in a daze, did my business, and then splashed water over my face, washing away my ruined makeup.

My stomach growled, and I made my way to the kitchen. I was in no shape to cook anything. I’d probably chop off one of my own fingers by accident. But I should at least be able to manage cup ramen.

But then, seeing the cup of ramen in the cupboard caused a fresh wave of grief to pierce through the numbness permeating the rest of me. Miyagi once lived entirely off of the stuff. But she’d become quite a talented cook over the years, even if she didn’t believe it herself.

Taking a deep, shuddering breath, I turned away from the cupboard, and braced myself against the kitchen table for support.

My phone was resting on the table, where I’d left it earlier. I saw that there were a number of notifications and messages, and that it had been four hours since Miyagi had left.

I snatched up the phone, a desperate hope surging through me, my fingers fumbling as I tried and failed to unlock it twice before getting it right the third time.

Just as quickly as it had appeared, that hope drained out of me. None of the messages were from Miyagi.

As I stared at the phone in my hands, my mind sinking back into a dark pool of oblivion, it buzzed, and caused me to jump.

Utsunomiya was calling me.

I let it ring for a moment. I considered letting it continue until it hit voicemail. I wasn’t exactly in the mood to hear congratulations and pleasantries about graduation.

But… what if I didn’t have to? Utsunomiya was a good friend. She was Miyagi’s best friend, who knew parts of her that I didn’t. Maybe she could…

“Hello.”

“Ah! Hello, Sendai-san. And congratulations!”

“I would have liked to come see your ceremony too, Sendai-san. It was really inconvenient that we both had them on the same day, huh?”

Fresh tears brimmed in my eyes, and my throat felt swollen, unable to say the words I needed to.

“Shiori seemed a bit out of it today. How is she feeling? I know the next step for the both of you is probably going to be a big one, huh?”

My hands were shaking so bad, and I couldn’t even see the phone in front of me anymore

“...Sendai-san? Are you there?”

“H-help.”

“Eh!?”

“Help me, Utsunomiya-san. Please. Miyagi, she…”

My words failed me, and I burst into sobs once again.

“...Okay. I’ll be over as soon as I can, Sendai-san.”

I told Utsunomiya everything.

I’m not sure how much of it made sense. I was a blubbering, incoherent mess, curled up on my bed, going through an entire box of tissues. But I told her all about our story, our strange connection, our relationship, over the past four years.

I wasn’t sure how long it took me. If I were to write it all down in a book, it would surely be hundreds of chapters long. But I felt exhausted when I finally ran out of things to say, like I’d just run a marathon.

Utsunomiya, for her part, listened quietly, a pleasant smile on her face, nodding along and occasionally asking clarifying questions.

I sniffed, blowing my nose. It was raw, from being rubbed so much.

“My my,” Utsunomiya said, letting out a quiet sigh. “This was certainly unexpected.”

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled. “I… wanted to tell you. About us. But we…”

Utsunomiya shook her head. “That’s not the unexpected part, not really.”

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“Sendai-san… don’t take this the wrong way, but I’ve known that you and Shiori were lovers ever since our first year of university.”

“Eh?”

“The surprising part then is that you weren’t lovers. Or at least, that you two were so tangled up in yourselves that you couldn’t define yourselves that way. Sheesh. What a troublesome pair, the both of you are.”

“I… were we really that obvious?”

Utsunomiya paused for a moment, her finger resting on her chin.

“Do you know what I got my diploma in?”

“Umm…”

I wracked my brain, trying to remember. It wasn’t something Utsunomiya talked about much.

“Psychology, right?”

“That’s right. And now that I’ve got my diploma, I’m going to pursue a master’s degree, in order to become a licensed therapist.”

“Wait, really? That’s incredible…”

“And as a therapist I want to specialize in helping people who are LGBTQ and other underrepresented populations.”

“Eh!?”

Utsunomiya sighed again, and shook her head. “Good grief. It always made me really angry, that you two felt that you couldn’t be open and honest about your relationship. Not angry at you, mind. Angry at society, for making relationships like that something people felt they needed to hide. So I wanted to do something about it, wanted to help people in that situation however I could.”

“So you…”

“And now!” Utsunomiya crossed her arms over her chest, her expression twisted into an exaggerated pout. “It appears that I was completely wrong, and that the entire impetus for my future was based on a misunderstanding. You weren’t hiding it because you were afraid of what society would think. You were both just very stupid. ”

I winced, and looked away. “Sorry.”

Utsunomiya laughed. “Oh well. I’m committed to my path, either way. It’s still the right thing to do.”

A small smile made its way to my face. Utsunomiya really was an incredible person, with a big heart, and a lot of talent to back it up. And to think I never gave her a second glance in high school. School hierarchies really are a whole lot of nonsense, huh?

And I never would have gotten to know her if it wasn’t for Miya—

Ah, right. For the briefest moment, I’d forgotten my despair.

“What am I supposed to do now?” I choked out, barely a whisper.

“Hmm. Well, what do you want to do?”

“I… I don’t know. I didn’t have any backup plans. I bet everything I had on this proposal. I have nothing left. I don’t know how I can live without her.”

Utsunomiya was silent for a few moments before speaking again. “Well, for starters, you absolutely could. You’re a strong person, Sendai-san. It would hurt, but I know that you could eventually pick up the pieces and move on.”

The thought made me double over, shrink even further into myself.

“But, what you want is to be together with Shiori, right?”

“Of course I do! I want that more than anything. But she doesn’t want that. She hates me, she—”

“Sendai-san,” Utsunomiya cut me off sharply. “Did Shiori say that she hates you?”

“Well, no, but how else am I supposed to explain—”

“Sendai-san. Shiori doesn’t hate you.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do. I’ve been Shiori’s friend for a long time. I’ve watched her change so much since meeting you. And I’ve watched the two of you together. She adores you, Sendai-san. She cares for you more than I’ve ever seen her care about anyone before. That girl is madly in love with you. I’m sure of it.”

The thought that those words might be true filled me with equal parts hope and gut wrenching dread. “If that’s true, then why…?”

“I don’t know. I can’t speak for Shiori. But I’m sure she doesn’t hate you. She ran away, maybe because she was scared. But this isn’t over yet. If nothing else, her stuff is all still here. I’m going to help make sure the two of you have a proper conversation.”

“Will that really be enough?”

Utsunomiya held up a finger. “Honestly? It might not. It’s possible that, even with a proper conversation, that the two of you end up going your separate ways. But you’re not going to let things go without that, are you?”

I took a deep, shuddering breath, and sat up on the bed.

“No. I’m not. But… how do we get a hold of her?”

“Well, she didn’t contact me to stay with her. So there’s really only a few options, right?”

Chapter Text

My room was even lonelier than I remembered it being.

That made sense. I returned once in the past four years. Everything I owned, the life that I built was still back in the apartment.

And so for the past three days I’d been sitting here, alone, in the dark, huddled up under the covers in my old bedroom, that Sendai used to come to, to breathe life into a place that was once and was now again dull and empty.

I’m not even sure if my father knew that I had returned home. I hadn’t seen him at all.

It was fine.

I was fine.

I’d managed just fine for myself before Sendai stumbled into my life. I could pick myself up again and manage on my own.

It was never going to last. I knew that from the start.

No matter how many times I repeated those thoughts in my head over and over in an endless spiral, the deep hole inside of me only seemed to grow ever wider. A void, an abyss, slowly consuming everything I was and everything I could ever be. Leaving nothing behind.

My hand reached up to touch my earrings, the ones Sendai had gotten for me so long ago. I couldn’t bring myself to take them out, no matter how much I knew that I needed to.

My musings were interrupted by the sharp buzzing of the doorbell.

That wasn’t too surprising. Most days, I couldn’t even handle making myself ramen right now, so I’d been ordering takeout pretty constantly. A large amount of boxes were starting to pile up in the corner, a monument to my worthlessness.

I couldn’t quite remember if I’d actually ordered anything recently? Whatever.

I shuffled my way to the front door, and opened it a crack, wincing as the sunlight stung my eyes.

Maika stood there, smiling as she held a bag.

“Good morning, Shiori! I brought you some groceries. Mind if I come in?”

I stared at her for several long minutes, still blinking the light out of my eyes. Well, something like this was bound to happen eventually. I let out a sigh, and then turned and walked back inside.

“Pardon the intrusion,” Maika said, and I heard her step inside, her shoes slipping off.

The door closed behind her, and I heard the click of the lock. Something felt off. There was an incredible sense of tension in the room all of a sudden, like a knife held to my back.

“Sorry, Shiori. I’m afraid I tricked you a bit.”

I slowly turned around..

Sendai was there, standing next to Maika, her hands clasped in front of her, her eyes glued to the floor, not looking up at me.

All sorts of emotions flooded through me in an instant. Fear. Panic. Shame. Anger. And even a spark of love and hope.

But it all fell away, deep into the pit inside me, leaving me numb once again.

Nothing they could say would change anything. So I might as well get it over with.

“Sendai-san has some things she would like to talk to you about. As I’ve come to understand, it seems like the two of you sometimes aren’t the best at communicating with each other, so I’m here to help mediate and guide the conversation. Is that okay, Shiori?”

“Fine,” I mumbled. I made my way back into the room, and then sat down at the low table in the center of it.

They followed me in, Sendai sitting opposite from me, her knees folded under her. She still wouldn’t look up at me.

Maika sat to my right, and made a face when she saw the piled up takeout boxes, rubbing at her nose.

“Alright then. Before we begin, I should let you know that Sendai-san has told me pretty much everything about the two of you. Honestly, with more detail than I really wanted. But please speak freely, and don’t hold back on my account.”

So Maika knew. Something I’d kept from her for so long, that I wanted to be able to tell her so badly. And here she was, like it wasn’t a big deal at all.

“Now, Shiori, Sendai-san has something she’d like to say to you.”

Sendai took a deep, shuddering breath, and clenched her fingers tightly into her skirt.

“Don’t run away from me. End it properly.”

Huh?

She sniffed, then continued. “If you don’t want to be together with me, then don’t be together with me. But please end it properly. Don’t just run away looking at me like I’m disgusting for loving you, after everything we’ve shared, and everything we’ve been through.”

Disgusting? How could I possibly think that Sendai was disgusting? The only one disgusting here was me.

Tears dripped down from Sendai’s eyes, splashing against her hands. “Please,” she whispered.

I didn’t like seeing her like this. No matter how much we argued or pushed each other’s buttons, the sight of Sendai reduced to tears over me was wrong

“Shiori. Sendai-san has opened up to you a bit. Do you think she’s disgusting because she told you that she loves you, and asked you to marry her?”

The idea was too absurd. I shook my head violently. “No. Of course not.”

“Well, that’s good. Is there anything else you’d like to say to her?”

She was right. I should have ended this properly. I needed to end this properly. I took a deep breath, clenched my fists, and looked up at Sendai.

“Hazuki. We shouldn’t be together.”

Sendai whimpered softly, and hunched over even more.

“I see. Thank you for being direct, Shiori. Would you be willing to elaborate as to why you feel that you shouldn’t be together? As I understand it, your lives have been very intertwined together for a long time now. If both sides can understand why the other is feeling the way they do, then it will be easier to part amicably.”

I glared at Maika in annoyance. I remembered the time, when I’d first done things with Sendai, and I’d run away to Maika’s dorm for a few days. When Sendai had come looking for me, the two had teamed up to conspire against me, to get me to say things I didn’t want to. They were too good at it, and it kind of felt the same here.

“Our agreement was supposed to last until graduation. We’ve graduated. There’s no reason for it to continue.”

Maika clicked her tongue and shook her head. “There’s not no reason. After all, Sendai-san wishes for it to continue. That could be reason enough on its own, if you also wanted the same thing. Your agreement has come to an end, but you could very easily make a new agreement. Even if you don’t want the agreement Sendai-san offered, there might be a different possible agreement the two of you could make. So could you tell us why your association has to end entirely?”

“I…” I licked my lips, struggling to find the right words to say. “The agreement was until graduation. It has to end here. Otherwise… it has to end.”

“Is that so? Outside of natural laws, I don’t think there are a lot of things in this world that have to happen. Our relationships with others don’t follow any set path. They’re just a product of the choices we make. And it’s always possible to make different choices. Can you explain why you feel this is so inevitable? Why does it have to happen?”

This was getting infuriating. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. “It doesn’t matter why. It just has to!”

“I’m afraid I just don’t understand. And I think that Sendai-san would really appreciate a more detailed explanation.The lack of one seems to be hurting her quite deeply.”

“I… It’s… because! It has to end!”

“Because why?”

“Because she deserves better than me!”

My voice, which had become quite agitated, shocked the room into silence.

Several long moments passed with no sounds other than my ragged breathing.

“Miyagi,” Sendai whispered, and for the first time since coming here, looked up at me.

Her gaze wasn’t full of anger, or disgust or hatred, or even of sadness and desperation.

She looked at me with soft concern in her eyes.

It burned more than any other expression she could have had.

“Do you really feel that way, Miyagi?”

My hands shook. I couldn’t keep looking at her. “Of course I do! All I’ve ever done is hold you back. If you stay with me then I’ll drag you down to my level and keep you there. You deserve better!”

“That’s not true!” Sendai slammed her hands onto the table, leaning forward. “My life had nothing in it before I met you, Miyagi. Being with you gave me something to live for, something to keep me moving forward, and someone to come home to. I wouldn’t be anything at all if it wasn’t for you.”

“And that’s the problem! It shouldn’t be like that! You shouldn’t feel that way about someone worthless like me! I’m ruining all of your potential. You should be with someone else instead!”

“I don’t want that! I love you, Miyagi! You don’t have the right to tell me that I can’t!”

“I’m the one who owns you. You’re supposed to obey my orders.”

“If you own me, then take responsibility! Don’t just throw me in the trash and hope someone else comes along to dig me out of it!”

Maika held up her hands placatingly. “Alright, alright. Things are getting a bit heated here. Let’s both take a moment and sit with this, shall we?”

Sendai and I did just that, retreating backwards to our seats, sitting there silently with our heads bowed.

After a few moments, Maika looked at me, her expression serious. “Shiori. I think I understand you a bit better right now. You think by rejecting Sendai-san, that you’re protecting her. Is that correct?”

“...Yes.”

“That’s very admirable of you. But, I have to wonder. How do you actually feel about the idea of continuing your relationship with Sendai-san? About the possibility of getting married to her?”

“It doesn’t matter how I feel.”

Maika let out a quiet sigh. “Perhaps it doesn’t. But, if you have feelings, those are inside you either way. It would benefit both you and Sendai-san to express them, so you can understand each other better.”

I opened my mouth to speak, then closed it again, my bottom lip trembling.

“Deep down, how do you feel about getting married to Sendai-san?”

“I…”

Why couldn’t she have just stayed away? This would have been so much easier if I could have been left here to rot.

“I want to.”

“Eh!?”

“Of course I want to! Of course I love Hazuki! Of course I want to stay with her forever! That’s the problem! I shouldn’t! She deserves better! I’d just ruin everything, I’m worthless, she should just—”

“Shiori!” Sendai interrupted me, reaching across the table and grabbing my hands in her own. “Please, don’t say that! Don’t say such mean things about the woman I love!”

“Hazuki, I…”

Sendai’s eyes brimmed with tears, but her smile was radiant. “Please, Shiori. I love you. Don’t decide this all on your own. You’re not holding me back. And if you feel like you are then… can’t we face that together? We’ve accomplished so much as a team, haven’t we? I know I slipped up and got a little single minded about you for a while, but haven’t I gotten better? We can both change, both grow up together, both become better people, with each other’s support. If you think you don’t deserve me, then become someone who does, and let me help you do so. We can do it!”

“I…”

I shouldn’t have let them in, I shouldn’t have had this conversation. My determination, my willpower was crumbling.

“Shiori,” Maika added, smiling. “It’s okay to be a little bit selfish sometimes. It’s okay to allow yourself to be happy, to make the choice that you want, instead of what you feel is necessary.”

How was I supposed to stand up against this two pronged assault?

Sendai took a deep breath, gripped my hands so tightly that they hurt, and looked me in the eyes. “Shiori. I love you. Please marry me. Take responsibility for my happiness and I’ll take responsibility for yours. Forever.”

Pathetic. I really was weak and pathetic.

“Okay,” I whispered.

Sendai launched herself across the table with a crash, throwing her arms around me and locking our lips together. “I love you!” she said, peppering me with kisses over and over again. “I love you I love you I love you! I’ve wanted to say it for so long, Shiori, you don’t know how hard it’s been for me! I love you!”

I felt tears brimming in my own eyes, and my throat was raw. “I love you too, Hazuki.”

Her kisses grew longer and deeper, and then trailed up my cheek, to my ears. She kissed my earrings, a promise of her love, and nibbled on them gently.

“Shiori…” Hazuki whispered, her voice low, in a way that made my cheeks heat up.

Maika cleared her throat loudly.

Her face flushed, Hazuki pulled away from me, unable to meet Maika’s expression, though instead of returning to the other side of the table, she sat next to me and intertwined her fingers with mine.

“In my amateur opinion, I really do think that’s possible for the two of you. And I’d like to point out that you don’t have to do this alone anymore. I’ll be cheering you on, and am happy to assist if communication breaks down.” Maika smiled wryly, then added under her breath, “Though you’d better believe I’m going to refer you to both individual and couple’s counseling with a proper therapist.”

It felt like this was a mistake. That I was agreeing to something that would doom the both of us.

But… I still wanted it, anyway.

Maika stood up, and dusted her skirt off. “Well, I do think I’ve done what I can for now, and I should leave the two of you alone to discuss things further.”

Hazuki smiled brightly. “Thank you so much, Utsunomiya-san. I think you’ll make a wonderful therapist.”

“Well, I don’t know about that. Doing something like this if I was an actual therapist would be wildly unethical. I’m way too close to the situation. Right now I’m just a meddling busybody who knows just enough to be dangerous. So don’t tell anybody I did this, okay?”

“Thank you,” I mumbled. She shouldn’t have had to do this for me. For us.

But I’m a little glad that she did.

Maika got up and left, and I heard the door to the apartment close behind her.

“Shiori.”

“...Hazuki.”

“I love you!” Hazuki poked my nose with her finger, grinning with an almost childish glee.

I swatted her finger away. “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, yeah. You should be! That really hurt a lot, you know.”

“I’m sorry.”

“If you’re so sorry then tell me you love me again!”

“Don’t wanna.”

“What? Shiori is so stingy.”

I hesitated for a few moments, glancing between her and the ground. “I love you.”

“I love you too!” 

I learned forward, pressing our lips together, wrapping my arms around her waist, holding her tight. “You’ll really be mine?”

“Forever and always. Will you be mine, Shiori?”

“...Yeah.”

We kissed again, and Hazuki wrapped her fingers in my hair.

“You know, Shiori. We never actually got to do it in your old room.”

I pushed her away. “Nuh-uh.”

“Aww. How come? We’re supposed to be talking about this stuff now, right?”

I pursed my lips, but nodded. “Because… too many feelings. Just wanna sit here with you.”

“Okay. I understand.” Hazuki took my hands, and placed soft kisses on my knuckles. “If you want to tell me about your feelings, I’d love to listen.”

She looked at me with compassion, and understanding. A willingness to accept me, even my darkest and ugliest parts.

I didn’t deserve her.

She would have a better future with someone better than me.

But maybe, just maybe.

This would be okay.