Chapter Text
My room was even lonelier than I remembered it being.
That made sense. I returned once in the past four years. Everything I owned, the life that I built was still back in the apartment.
And so for the past three days I’d been sitting here, alone, in the dark, huddled up under the covers in my old bedroom, that Sendai used to come to, to breathe life into a place that was once and was now again dull and empty.
I’m not even sure if my father knew that I had returned home. I hadn’t seen him at all.
It was fine.
I was fine.
I’d managed just fine for myself before Sendai stumbled into my life. I could pick myself up again and manage on my own.
It was never going to last. I knew that from the start.
No matter how many times I repeated those thoughts in my head over and over in an endless spiral, the deep hole inside of me only seemed to grow ever wider. A void, an abyss, slowly consuming everything I was and everything I could ever be. Leaving nothing behind.
My hand reached up to touch my earrings, the ones Sendai had gotten for me so long ago. I couldn’t bring myself to take them out, no matter how much I knew that I needed to.
My musings were interrupted by the sharp buzzing of the doorbell.
That wasn’t too surprising. Most days, I couldn’t even handle making myself ramen right now, so I’d been ordering takeout pretty constantly. A large amount of boxes were starting to pile up in the corner, a monument to my worthlessness.
I couldn’t quite remember if I’d actually ordered anything recently? Whatever.
I shuffled my way to the front door, and opened it a crack, wincing as the sunlight stung my eyes.
Maika stood there, smiling as she held a bag.
“Good morning, Shiori! I brought you some groceries. Mind if I come in?”
I stared at her for several long minutes, still blinking the light out of my eyes. Well, something like this was bound to happen eventually. I let out a sigh, and then turned and walked back inside.
“Pardon the intrusion,” Maika said, and I heard her step inside, her shoes slipping off.
The door closed behind her, and I heard the click of the lock. Something felt off. There was an incredible sense of tension in the room all of a sudden, like a knife held to my back.
“Sorry, Shiori. I’m afraid I tricked you a bit.”
I slowly turned around..
Sendai was there, standing next to Maika, her hands clasped in front of her, her eyes glued to the floor, not looking up at me.
All sorts of emotions flooded through me in an instant. Fear. Panic. Shame. Anger. And even a spark of love and hope.
But it all fell away, deep into the pit inside me, leaving me numb once again.
Nothing they could say would change anything. So I might as well get it over with.
“Sendai-san has some things she would like to talk to you about. As I’ve come to understand, it seems like the two of you sometimes aren’t the best at communicating with each other, so I’m here to help mediate and guide the conversation. Is that okay, Shiori?”
“Fine,” I mumbled. I made my way back into the room, and then sat down at the low table in the center of it.
They followed me in, Sendai sitting opposite from me, her knees folded under her. She still wouldn’t look up at me.
Maika sat to my right, and made a face when she saw the piled up takeout boxes, rubbing at her nose.
“Alright then. Before we begin, I should let you know that Sendai-san has told me pretty much everything about the two of you. Honestly, with more detail than I really wanted. But please speak freely, and don’t hold back on my account.”
So Maika knew. Something I’d kept from her for so long, that I wanted to be able to tell her so badly. And here she was, like it wasn’t a big deal at all.
“Now, Shiori, Sendai-san has something she’d like to say to you.”
Sendai took a deep, shuddering breath, and clenched her fingers tightly into her skirt.
“Don’t run away from me. End it properly.”
Huh?
She sniffed, then continued. “If you don’t want to be together with me, then don’t be together with me. But please end it properly. Don’t just run away looking at me like I’m disgusting for loving you, after everything we’ve shared, and everything we’ve been through.”
Disgusting? How could I possibly think that Sendai was disgusting? The only one disgusting here was me.
Tears dripped down from Sendai’s eyes, splashing against her hands. “Please,” she whispered.
I didn’t like seeing her like this. No matter how much we argued or pushed each other’s buttons, the sight of Sendai reduced to tears over me was wrong
“Shiori. Sendai-san has opened up to you a bit. Do you think she’s disgusting because she told you that she loves you, and asked you to marry her?”
The idea was too absurd. I shook my head violently. “No. Of course not.”
“Well, that’s good. Is there anything else you’d like to say to her?”
She was right. I should have ended this properly. I needed to end this properly. I took a deep breath, clenched my fists, and looked up at Sendai.
“Hazuki. We shouldn’t be together.”
Sendai whimpered softly, and hunched over even more.
“I see. Thank you for being direct, Shiori. Would you be willing to elaborate as to why you feel that you shouldn’t be together? As I understand it, your lives have been very intertwined together for a long time now. If both sides can understand why the other is feeling the way they do, then it will be easier to part amicably.”
I glared at Maika in annoyance. I remembered the time, when I’d first done things with Sendai, and I’d run away to Maika’s dorm for a few days. When Sendai had come looking for me, the two had teamed up to conspire against me, to get me to say things I didn’t want to. They were too good at it, and it kind of felt the same here.
“Our agreement was supposed to last until graduation. We’ve graduated. There’s no reason for it to continue.”
Maika clicked her tongue and shook her head. “There’s not no reason. After all, Sendai-san wishes for it to continue. That could be reason enough on its own, if you also wanted the same thing. Your agreement has come to an end, but you could very easily make a new agreement. Even if you don’t want the agreement Sendai-san offered, there might be a different possible agreement the two of you could make. So could you tell us why your association has to end entirely?”
“I…” I licked my lips, struggling to find the right words to say. “The agreement was until graduation. It has to end here. Otherwise… it has to end.”
“Is that so? Outside of natural laws, I don’t think there are a lot of things in this world that have to happen. Our relationships with others don’t follow any set path. They’re just a product of the choices we make. And it’s always possible to make different choices. Can you explain why you feel this is so inevitable? Why does it have to happen?”
This was getting infuriating. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. “It doesn’t matter why. It just has to!”
“I’m afraid I just don’t understand. And I think that Sendai-san would really appreciate a more detailed explanation.The lack of one seems to be hurting her quite deeply.”
“I… It’s… because! It has to end!”
“Because why?”
“Because she deserves better than me!”
My voice, which had become quite agitated, shocked the room into silence.
Several long moments passed with no sounds other than my ragged breathing.
“Miyagi,” Sendai whispered, and for the first time since coming here, looked up at me.
Her gaze wasn’t full of anger, or disgust or hatred, or even of sadness and desperation.
She looked at me with soft concern in her eyes.
It burned more than any other expression she could have had.
“Do you really feel that way, Miyagi?”
My hands shook. I couldn’t keep looking at her. “Of course I do! All I’ve ever done is hold you back. If you stay with me then I’ll drag you down to my level and keep you there. You deserve better!”
“That’s not true!” Sendai slammed her hands onto the table, leaning forward. “My life had nothing in it before I met you, Miyagi. Being with you gave me something to live for, something to keep me moving forward, and someone to come home to. I wouldn’t be anything at all if it wasn’t for you.”
“And that’s the problem! It shouldn’t be like that! You shouldn’t feel that way about someone worthless like me! I’m ruining all of your potential. You should be with someone else instead!”
“I don’t want that! I love you, Miyagi! You don’t have the right to tell me that I can’t!”
“I’m the one who owns you. You’re supposed to obey my orders.”
“If you own me, then take responsibility! Don’t just throw me in the trash and hope someone else comes along to dig me out of it!”
Maika held up her hands placatingly. “Alright, alright. Things are getting a bit heated here. Let’s both take a moment and sit with this, shall we?”
Sendai and I did just that, retreating backwards to our seats, sitting there silently with our heads bowed.
After a few moments, Maika looked at me, her expression serious. “Shiori. I think I understand you a bit better right now. You think by rejecting Sendai-san, that you’re protecting her. Is that correct?”
“...Yes.”
“That’s very admirable of you. But, I have to wonder. How do you actually feel about the idea of continuing your relationship with Sendai-san? About the possibility of getting married to her?”
“It doesn’t matter how I feel.”
Maika let out a quiet sigh. “Perhaps it doesn’t. But, if you have feelings, those are inside you either way. It would benefit both you and Sendai-san to express them, so you can understand each other better.”
I opened my mouth to speak, then closed it again, my bottom lip trembling.
“Deep down, how do you feel about getting married to Sendai-san?”
“I…”
Why couldn’t she have just stayed away? This would have been so much easier if I could have been left here to rot.
“I want to.”
“Eh!?”
“Of course I want to! Of course I love Hazuki! Of course I want to stay with her forever! That’s the problem! I shouldn’t! She deserves better! I’d just ruin everything, I’m worthless, she should just—”
“Shiori!” Sendai interrupted me, reaching across the table and grabbing my hands in her own. “Please, don’t say that! Don’t say such mean things about the woman I love!”
“Hazuki, I…”
Sendai’s eyes brimmed with tears, but her smile was radiant. “Please, Shiori. I love you. Don’t decide this all on your own. You’re not holding me back. And if you feel like you are then… can’t we face that together? We’ve accomplished so much as a team, haven’t we? I know I slipped up and got a little single minded about you for a while, but haven’t I gotten better? We can both change, both grow up together, both become better people, with each other’s support. If you think you don’t deserve me, then become someone who does, and let me help you do so. We can do it!”
“I…”
I shouldn’t have let them in, I shouldn’t have had this conversation. My determination, my willpower was crumbling.
“Shiori,” Maika added, smiling. “It’s okay to be a little bit selfish sometimes. It’s okay to allow yourself to be happy, to make the choice that you want, instead of what you feel is necessary.”
How was I supposed to stand up against this two pronged assault?
Sendai took a deep breath, gripped my hands so tightly that they hurt, and looked me in the eyes. “Shiori. I love you. Please marry me. Take responsibility for my happiness and I’ll take responsibility for yours. Forever.”
Pathetic. I really was weak and pathetic.
“Okay,” I whispered.
Sendai launched herself across the table with a crash, throwing her arms around me and locking our lips together. “I love you!” she said, peppering me with kisses over and over again. “I love you I love you I love you! I’ve wanted to say it for so long, Shiori, you don’t know how hard it’s been for me! I love you!”
I felt tears brimming in my own eyes, and my throat was raw. “I love you too, Hazuki.”
Her kisses grew longer and deeper, and then trailed up my cheek, to my ears. She kissed my earrings, a promise of her love, and nibbled on them gently.
“Shiori…” Hazuki whispered, her voice low, in a way that made my cheeks heat up.
Maika cleared her throat loudly.
Her face flushed, Hazuki pulled away from me, unable to meet Maika’s expression, though instead of returning to the other side of the table, she sat next to me and intertwined her fingers with mine.
“In my amateur opinion, I really do think that’s possible for the two of you. And I’d like to point out that you don’t have to do this alone anymore. I’ll be cheering you on, and am happy to assist if communication breaks down.” Maika smiled wryly, then added under her breath, “Though you’d better believe I’m going to refer you to both individual and couple’s counseling with a proper therapist.”
It felt like this was a mistake. That I was agreeing to something that would doom the both of us.
But… I still wanted it, anyway.
Maika stood up, and dusted her skirt off. “Well, I do think I’ve done what I can for now, and I should leave the two of you alone to discuss things further.”
Hazuki smiled brightly. “Thank you so much, Utsunomiya-san. I think you’ll make a wonderful therapist.”
“Well, I don’t know about that. Doing something like this if I was an actual therapist would be wildly unethical. I’m way too close to the situation. Right now I’m just a meddling busybody who knows just enough to be dangerous. So don’t tell anybody I did this, okay?”
“Thank you,” I mumbled. She shouldn’t have had to do this for me. For us.
But I’m a little glad that she did.
Maika got up and left, and I heard the door to the apartment close behind her.
“Shiori.”
“...Hazuki.”
“I love you!” Hazuki poked my nose with her finger, grinning with an almost childish glee.
I swatted her finger away. “I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, yeah. You should be! That really hurt a lot, you know.”
“I’m sorry.”
“If you’re so sorry then tell me you love me again!”
“Don’t wanna.”
“What? Shiori is so stingy.”
I hesitated for a few moments, glancing between her and the ground. “I love you.”
“I love you too!”
I learned forward, pressing our lips together, wrapping my arms around her waist, holding her tight. “You’ll really be mine?”
“Forever and always. Will you be mine, Shiori?”
“...Yeah.”
We kissed again, and Hazuki wrapped her fingers in my hair.
“You know, Shiori. We never actually got to do it in your old room.”
I pushed her away. “Nuh-uh.”
“Aww. How come? We’re supposed to be talking about this stuff now, right?”
I pursed my lips, but nodded. “Because… too many feelings. Just wanna sit here with you.”
“Okay. I understand.” Hazuki took my hands, and placed soft kisses on my knuckles. “If you want to tell me about your feelings, I’d love to listen.”
She looked at me with compassion, and understanding. A willingness to accept me, even my darkest and ugliest parts.
I didn’t deserve her.
She would have a better future with someone better than me.
But maybe, just maybe.
This would be okay.
