Chapter Text
Day Two
“Umm...dare, “Abbi said, taking the joint from Ilana and taking a puff.
“Ooh, dare. Yas, queen. I dare you...to...hmm….damn, it’s really hard to come up with dares when we can’t leave this apartment.”
“Yeah, it’s not like I’d be embarrassed by pretty much anything you’d dare me to do in front of just you. And our entire friendship is just one long game of ‘truth’ in truth or dare, anyway,” Abbi agreed.
“Good point, good point. I think I put a deck of cards in your go bag. We could play strip poker?” Iana suggested, tugging hopefully at the straps of her shirt.
“Do you even know how to play poker?”
“...Nope, I was mostly interested in the stripping part, and I can tell from your face that’s gonna be a no from you, dawg. That’s okay, I only strip with consent. Oh, we could play fuck, marry, kill!”
“Ooh, yes, dude! I don’t think I’ve played that since, like, middle school.”
“Pansexual fuck, marry, kill? No gender off-limits?”
“Of course, dude. Okay, okay, let me ask you first. Umm, okay, Little Women cast: Saoirse Ronan, Florence Pugh, Timothee Chattle...Shala...the little cute one.”
“Ugh, yes, that movie was ICONIC. Well, gotta marry ma gurl Saiorse. I feel like Flo would be KILLER in bed so I’d def tap that. And...sorry, Timmy, guess that means I gotta kill ya, babe.”
“All sound choices. I mean, I assume you’d also marry Greta Gerwig, though,” Abbi said.
“Oh, in a HEARTBEAT. I’d be in a beautiful poly queer triad with her and Sersh, 100%. Okay, my turn to ask you. Oh, DUH, obvious. People who are old as fuck but can still get it. Meryl Streep, Bill Nighy, Helen Mirren,” Ilana took the joint back and blew smoke lazily towards the ceiling.
“Ooooh, that’s a tough one. I mean obviously marry Meryl. And I LOVE Bill Nighy but I feel like Helen Mirren is a super kinky dominatrix, so maybe fuck her and kill Bill.”
“Ha, Kill Bill! Like the movie? God, I’d totally marry Uma Thurman. By the way, FUCK Tarantino, man,” Ilana flicked two middle fingers in Quentin Tarantino’s general direction.
“Ugh, totally. But I mean, was anyone surprised?”
“Oh, not at all . Ugh just thinking about it is pissing me off. Is it your turn?”
“Yeah, yeah,” Abbi said, looking around the apartment for inspiration and finding a tabloid Ilana must have bought at the airport.
“Ha, okay, Harry Styles and two of his recent girlfriends: Taylor Swift and Adele.”
“Ab, you’re going way too easy on me. Obviously kill that greasy little manchild, fuck TaySwift all the way out of the closet, and marry my QUEEN Adele.”
“I forgot you think Taylor Swift is a lesbian,” Abbi giggled.
“Don’t you remember those Youtube videos I sent you? She’s totally in love with Karlie Kloss but has had a lot of not very convincing beards over the years. Oh, and in the lyrics to…”
“Um, I don’t think I watched those. Or maybe I watched like five minutes of the first one?” Abbi shrugged.
“You didn’t watch them? When I specifically sent them to you? What, did you have better things to do?”
“They were all, like, over three hours long. So, um, yeah, I did have better things to do?” Abbi shrugged.
“Oh. Whatever, I guess. Wanna do another round?”
“Uh, sure. Hey, have you noticed that so far we’ve killed the men and fucked and married the women in every single one?”
“Oh my god, you’re totally right! I guess it’s not surprising. Women are mwah ,” Ilana did a chef’s kiss.
“It sort of takes the fun out of it.”
“Yeahhhh, men will do that,” Ilana agreed.
“I’m kind of getting tired, though. Maybe we could just snuggle and chat,” Abbi yawned and stretched.
“Mm, yes please,” Ilana slung an arm over Abbi and kissed the top of her head. They lay quietly for several minutes until Ilana poked Abbi.
“Yo, dude, I just thought of the perfect dare. I dare you to let me watch you poop!”
“Ilana, no! Weren’t the pictures enough?”
“This is totally just escalating our friendship to that next level of intimacy ,” Ilana pouted, batting her eyelashes hopefully.
“No, seriously, dude. All this canned, shelf-stable, shitty food is terrible for my gut. It’s like a warzone in there.”
“What, like even more than usual? I’m not sure if you know this, Ab, but you are actually Jewish?”
“Ilana, I’m not even kidding. You wouldn’t want to see it even if I let you.”
“I guess I’ll take your word for it,” Ilana shrugged, “Buuuut...that means you are theoretically open to it?”
“Maybe one day. If we both make it through this and society still has toilets, or whatever,” Abbi conceded.
“But if society collapses and we need to survive in the post-apocalyptic wasteland, someone’s gonna need to guard you while you shit, Ab.”
“Okay, if the apocalypse happens, and we’re both alive, and I need someone to guard me while I shit, I promise it will be you,” Abbi chuckled.
“I’mma hold you to that,” Ilana smiled, snuggling closer to Abbi and closing her eyes.
Day Five
“Oh my GOD, I didn’t know it was possible to be this bored,” Ilana moaned.
“I know, dude. The only thing that makes this whole thing bearable is weed,” Abbi agreed, rolling yet another joint.
“And being in here with my ride or die, of course,” Ilana peppered Abbi’s arm with small kisses.
“Uh, right,” Abbi inched a few inches away on the couch, “So should we binge some more Netflix?”
“Ugh, I’m so SICK of Netflix.”
“Yeah, you’re right. We’re totally overdue for a content switch. Back to Hulu?” Abbi agreed, reaching for the remote.
“No, I mean I seriously think my eyes might have third-degree screen burn,” Ilana blinked rapidly and prodded at her eye with her finger.
“Ew, Ilana, can you not like, touch your eyeball with your fingers? You know it creeps me out.”
“Oh, sorry. I guess years of wearing contacts totally desensitized me,” Ilana shrugged.
“Well yeah, but also, like, with the virus and everything? You know, how we’re not supposed to be touching our faces? All your germs are now literally in your eyeballs and making their way to your brain, or whatever.”
“Oh, Ab, it’s SO painfully obvious you never had to take anatomy in art school. Anyway, if coronavirus has somehow infiltrated this apartment, we both probably already have it. I’d honestly inject the virus into my eyeballs if it meant the end would come sooner and put me out of my fucking misery.”
“Yeah, at least getting it would be kinda exciting, you know? So what d’you wanna do? We could eat?”
“Yeah, I’m kinda snacky,” Ilana shrugged, “Wait, what time even is it?”
“I have nooo idea. When’s the last time we even had the blinds open?”
“God, we’re probably so Vitamin D deficient right now. Maybe that’s why I feel like my skin is fucking wilting. I should have thought to bring my happy lamp,” Ilana crawled over to the window and peered out.
“It’s just sort of like...gray twilight out there,” she shrugged.
“It’s…” Abbi peered at her phone, “6:30.”
“AM or PM? Ugh, what does it matter? Let's just eat. It’s something to do.” They ate canned tuna and crackers in companionable silence for several minutes.
“Mmm, cuddle and then go to bed?” Ilana twisted her legs through Abbi’s.
“Ew, dude, you have fish breath,” Abbi pushed Ilana away and stood up, wringing her hands restlessly.
“Hey, I’m feeling kind of like...touched out. Do you think it would be okay if I just went into the other room by myself for a while?”
“Oh. Of course!” Ilana held her hands out in front of her and drew her legs to her chest, “Take as much time as you need, queen.”
“Okay, thanks,” Abbi puffed out her cheeks and ran her hands through her hair, “I’ve just been feeling sort of overwhelmed and I don’t want to offend you, but like…”
“No offense taken, gwurl. You do what you gotta do. I might like, do a face mask or something.”
“Ooh, that sounds nice. Save one for me?”
“You got it, madam,” Ilana drew her fingers to her forehead in a mock salute.
Abbi rested her back against the closed bedroom door and took several deep breaths. Finally. She went to one of her suitcases and began rooting around in one of the exterior pockets, pulling out a slip of paper.
“TSA inspection notice? Oh my God…” Abbi reached further into the pocket and pulled out her trusty purple rabbit vibrator.
“Jesus, don’t they have anything better to do, you know, given the worldwide pandemic happening right now? Did those TSA pigs touch you, baby?” she ran her fingers over the familiar surface. TSA agents wore gloves, right? Was it even possible to get coronavirus through your vagina?
“Uhhhh, it’s probably fine, right? Whatever, whatever, whatever,” she took off her sweats and underwear and began her usual routine. Mm. That felt good. It had been too fucking long.
Her phone dinged. She ignored it. Then it dinged again. With one hand still on the vibrator, Abbi reached for her phone and saw two texts from Ilana.
Ilana: BITCH
Ilana: OMFG. U been holding out on me gurl!!!
Abbi groaned and put the vibrator down.
Abbi: omfg stop.
Ilana: when were u gonna tell me u brought one?? i’ve been trying to be discreet w mine bc I thought you didnt bring urs
Abbi: wait what? we haven’t been out of each others sight like the whole time we’ve been here. weve literally been shitting with the door open
Ilana: shh. just let it happen.
Abbi: ilana have you been fucking masturbating right next to me? like when im asleep???
Ilana: what u dont know wont hurt bb
Ilana: I mean, I was being RESPECTFUL bc i thought u were a womyn deprived. we share most things but even I wouldnt share a vibrator even with my bff
Abbi: ok you know what? whatever. Can I vibe in peace pls?
Ilana: u got it babe
Abbi put her phone on the bedside table and turned the vibrator back on. After a few seconds, it sounded louder than usual, and she turned it off. She could hear a different vibration coming through the wall.
Abbi: omfg I can hear u!
Ilana: wut, so ur allowed to but im not?
Abbi: ilana, srsly.
Ilana: ok lets just each do our own thing. i promise ill be quiet
Abbi: u cant picture me when ur doing it.
Ilana: but honestly im having trouble remembering what other ppl look like. plus dat ass…
Abbi: FINE. But if ur 2 loud thats it, its off
Ilana: thank youuuu. Xoxoxoxoxo
Ilana: omg that was magical. u sound exactly like how i imagined.
Abbi: we can never talk about this again dude
Ilana: anything 4 u babe
Abbi: omg I feel SO much better
Ilana: i know, right?
Abbi: like i felt so fucking stircrazy and now I feel like i can get thru the next 9 days or whatever no problem
Ilana: u thought u were touched out but u really just needed to TOUCH YOSELF
Abbi: lol
Ilana: can we cuddle now?
Abbi: ofc.
Ilana: u dont even have to put your panties back on
Abbi: omg ilana
Ilana: just saying. like why bother.
Ilana: uve never done that with anyone else b4 right?
Abbi: omg no
Ilana: not even darcy?
Abbi: no dude
Ilana: ok me neither. i can die happy now <33333