Chapter Text
Day Nine
“I don’t know, man, is it time to break out the Catan?”
“Abbi, no. I refuse to subject you to that shit again, not after Boring Ben.”
“He wasn’t that bad. And anyway, we only have like Q’s and Y’s left. There’s not much we can do with that,” Abbi nudged a few Scrabble tiles around the table.
“Cunt...y?” Ilana suggested, adding a Y to the board.
“That technically would be against the rules, since I’m pretty sure cunty isn’t in the dictionary.”
“Ugh, who gives a shit about the rules?” Ilana stacked a Q, X, Z, and Y on top of each other and then toppled them.
“Lots of people, actually. There are super intense Scrabble tournaments, it’s actually pretty interesting. Most casual players are breaking a ton of rules. Like the rules about foreign words and proper nouns…” Abbi continued in that way she had when she had warmed to some obscure topic.
“Fine, maybe you’re right, that’s a wrap on dirty words Scrabble. Who the fuck only has Scrabble and Catan in their Airbnb? If what’shername lives through this, I’m going to tell her she needs to step up her board game...game.”
“I mean, I think we did a pretty good job, considering,” Abbi said, stepping back to admire their handiwork.
“Me too, kween. Hold on, don’t put it away, gotta put it on ma stories,” Ilana snapped a few photos with her phone.
“So, what do you wanna do now? I know, I know, no Catan,” Abbi added quickly.
“Eh. I’m sick of Netflix. And reading. And go fish. I guess we could teach ourselves poker? There’s probably like a zillion Youtube videos,” Ilana eyed Abbi hopefully.
“I’m still not stripping!”
“Okay, okay! Wanna just...smoke until we figure it out?”
“Yeah, smoking’s the one thing we never get bored of, huh?” Abbi laughed and went into the bedroom where Ilana kept her stash.
“Hey, where’d you put the weed?”
“Huh?” Ilana called from the other room.
“Did you move the weed?”
“What? It’s in my makeup bag like always.”
“Dude, you’re kidding, right?” Abbi went to the doorway.
“No? Wait, are you shitting me ?”
Abbi held up the makeup bag, which still smelt pungently of weed. But it was empty.
“What? No. Nonononono. Did it spill on the floor or something?” They both ran to the bedroom and began searching under the bed, in the pillowcases, under the papers on the desk, and even in their own shoes.
“Fuuuuck,” Ilana moaned, finally giving up and lying on the floor.
“How did we smoke that much weed in like, a week?” Abbi asked, “That was like, the most weed I’ve ever seen in my life. More than at a fucking Phish concert.”
“We were smoking every time we were bored! Or hungry! Or anxious! Or needed to sleep! Which is like, all the fucking time when we’re cooped up in here thanks to the idiot in chief,” Ilana yanked at her hair in frustration.
“Okay, okay, you have to have some more, right? You like, always have weed. You probably have some tucked away somewhere and you’ve just forgotten. Like in that tampon pocket of your purse. Or, or, maybe you forgot some up...you know where?” Abbi asked hopefully.
“Abbi we’ve been here for over a week, I’m pretty sure I’d realize if I’d forgotten weed in my fucking vagina.”
“Oh, God. How many days do we have left?”
“I don’t know, I don’t know, I’m panicking! Seven? Four? Ten? Too many! We can’t go that long without weed!”
“I mean, do we have much choice? What else can we do?”
“We should have kept that nutso Uber driver’s scrubs, huh?” Ilana said.
“I mean, the masks and the gloves are the most important thing, right? Everything else is just a precaution,” Abbi patted the dishwashing gloves they had dug out from under the sink.
“I mean, I’ve honestly just wanted to see you in a ball gown for ages . I know poofy frilly Cinderella isn’t usually your style and I get it, we’re modern women who long to be seen as more than princesses in the eyes of society. But just look at what that poof does for your tush!” Ilana stopped arranging the cling wrap and stepped back. She had arranged it into a flattering floor-length, long-sleeve ensemble with a poofy skirt.
“It does look pretty awesome, gotta admit,” Abbi said, slapping her own ass, “But this must feel weird for you. When’s the last time you were this covered up?”
“Ugh, honestly I don’t know. Probably when my mom was still dressing El and I in matching outfits. I just wanna…” Ilana gestured as if she wanted to rip her own cellophane gown to reveal her midriff.
“I know, dude, but we have a mission. Okay, let’s go.”
There was a gust of stale air as they opened the door and stepped out into the hallway, a different flavor of stale to the air in the apartment. The hallway was deserted.
“God, I forgot how narrow this hallway was. No offense, but maybe you shouldn’t have put me in a Saran wrap couture dress,” Abbi said, turning sideways so she could shimmy towards the neighbors’ door.
“Hey, it’s so poofy that it basically forces people to stay six feet away from you! Chic and functional.”
“Okay, so we see who opens the door and see if they look 420 friendly? If not we just make some shit up?”
“Yep, sounds about right,” Ilana knocked on the door. No answer. No one answered at the next door either, or the next one.
“Huh. Maybe people are scared to answer the door during the quarantine?” Abbi asked.
“God, I thought people in the Midwest were supposed to be nicer. Isn’t that like the one thing they have going for them?” Ilana said.
“I dunno, dude. Maybe we should try another floor?” They went down a flight of stairs and passed through the lobby.
“Hold on, there’s a sign on the door...Holy shit, dude. It says the building has been evacuated because someone who lives here tested positive for the virus!”
“What the fuck? When?”
“It doesn’t say. It could have been before we even got here, I guess.” They exchanged a glance.
“Well, we’re already here…” Ilana began.
“It’s not like we have anywhere else to go,” Abbi reasoned.
“Schweet! We don’t have to be quiet anymore, bitches!” Ilana screeched.
Day ??
Ring. Riiiing. Riiiing.
“H-hello?”
“Hey, sweetie - oh my God, Ilana, where are your freakin clothes?! Where’s Abbi?”
“Hiiii, Bobbi!”
“Oh my God. Oh my God. ARTHUR, IT FINALLY HAPPENED. I’m so happy for you girls. You know, we’ve always wondered. I thought, I said to Daddy, do those girls think we’re goddamn homophobes or something? I mean, you KNOW how understanding we were when Eliot came out. It was a relief, to be honest.”
“What? Oh, Bobbi, no, Ilana just finally convinced me to play strip poker and then it just sort of felt dumb to keep wearing clothes. Like what’s the point?”
“Congratulations, my gaybies! Oh, I love you both so much,” half of Arthur’s head bobbed in and out of frame, but he was obviously tearing up.
“Okay, so we are not quote unquote together romantically yet, but we’ve made progress! We’ve had strip poker, we’ve had casual nudity, we’ve been shitting with the door open, we’ve done some truly life-changing mutual masturbation…”
“Ilana, don’t tell them that! And it wasn’t like... mutual mutual,” Abbi groaned.
“Right, sorry. It was like...one-sided mutual masturbation. Anyway, we’re getting there,” Ilana concluded.
“Oh, that’s too bad, my girls,” Arthur said.
“But we await the day! Anyway, when are you coming home?” Bobbi asked.
“Huh?”
“What...day is it, anyway?” Abbi asked, going to open the blinds and squinting in the bright light of day.
“Holy shit! Have you two broads not been watching the news?” Bobbi screeched.
“Nah, we’ve sort of gone a bit feral,” Ilana admitted, absentmindedly grabbed a jar of peanut butter and sticking her tongue straight in.
“Jesus, Ilana, that’s disgusting! Has this pandemic taught you nothing?”
“At least we know they’ve been eating,” came Arthur’s voice from off-camera.
“Well, anyway, the Illuminati finally decided to release the vaccine, so the quarantine is ending early!”
“Ugh, I bet Jay and Bey totally had something to do with it,” Ilana kissed her fingertips and raised them towards the sky.
“God bless ‘em,” Bobbi agreed, “Anyway, pack your shit and get your asses home!”
“It feels fucking weird wearing clothes, right?” Ilana asked, shifting uncomfortably in her neon green pants and pink crop top.
“I know, right? And to be leaving this place. This is probably the only place we'll ever spend almost two whole weeks indoors with no one but each other. It feels like I’m leaving New York all over again,” Abbi looked around the room, strewn with empty cans, blankets and pillows, and the remains of Scrabble and strip poker.
“Bitch, don’t do that to me,” Ilana turned away and wiped her eyes.
“Hey, it’s okay, dude. I mean, aren’t we so lucky we got to do this? We had our Meet Me in St. Louis moment and it wasn’t even really the apocalypse,” Abbi said, wrapping Ilana in a hug.
“Yeah, yeah, I know what they say,” Ilana sighed, squeezing Abbi tightly, “Tis better to have mutually masturbated and lost than to never have mutually masturbated at all.”
“I...don’t think that’s how it goes.”
“Just let me have this,” Ilana whispered.
“Okay, okay. Hey, do you still wanna go see the arch? We could pretend it really was the apocalypse,” Abbi asked, nudging Ilana between the ribs.
“Pay for an extra Uber just to see some dumbass arch? I knew you weren’t really Jewish! Nah, I have a better idea,” Ilana reached into her go bag, found a Sharpie, and began writing on the underside of the windowsill. Abbi craned her neck to see, squeezing Ilana’s hand.
ABBI + ILANA
TIL THE END
(OF THE WORLD)